The Robert Pattinson Diaries — Kristen Stewart Driving Me Daft in Madrid
WARNING: This post contains language that you may find offensive. Please use your own discretion.
A Fictitious Entry that Chronicles the Thirst of Robert Pattinson aka Edward Cullen for Kristen Stewart aka Bella Swan
As Kristen walked the red carpet at The Twilight Saga: New Moon Fans Event at Palacio de Vistalegre in Madrid Spain on 12 November 2009, I tried to release my clenched fists and made sure to plaster a smile on my face as my insides began to boil.
Bloody hell! I could see the side of her boob and her knickers! Blast it! I am absolutely blinkered on the subject of my girlfriend’s state of undress. No one will see any part of her unnecessarily except me. No wonder she kept her coat on till we had to go out of the limousine. She wanted me gormless! Blast and bugger!
My rational side attempted to reason with me. It was hardly the full monty. Far from it.
Oh bugger off! I was having none of it. The dress looked like a bodged piece of crap. Oh, let’s throw some scraps together, and, since we’ve ran out of real cloth, let’s just use these see through things that nobody should be using outside the bedroom, my bedroom, in particular.
Whoever designed it should be tossed in to the pits of hell! And anyone who has the guts to tell me that this is a fine example of high couture will be blasted with an accusation of talking bollocks before becoming the receiving end of a knuckle sandwich! I was getting wound up.
But I was absolutely distracted by the teasing glimpses of her creamy skin through the dress. They were drawing my eyes like magnets and I was going to look like a total idiot in all the photos that were being taken by the whole f—ing press at the moment! The dress was making me totally daft, that’s what it was doing.
I was rubbish. An idiot. An arse. My brain needs to get sorted.
I was buggered. I sidled up like a long suffering prisoner about to meet his doom, and, truly I was, for how I was to endure the hours ahead before I can haul Kristen into the privacy of a room and toss her on the bed?
I leaned towards her ear and made a sensual threat, “As soon as I bloody can, I’m going to spank your saucy bottom and then have my abso-bloody-lutely carnal way with you.”
Part 2 coming later… The Kristen Stewart Diaries — Robert Pattinson Drives Me Wild in Madrid
Photo Credits
Photos Courtesy of RadarOnline.com
Photos: Fame Pictures
Lorna Lopez aka ATwilightKiss Notes To Balenciaga, the designer of this clever and absolutely beautiful dress, my apologies. Please do take the derogatory references above with tongue in cheek humor, as they were meant to be the thoughts of a man driven to partial insanity by your creation. 
British Slang A huge thanks to effingpot for its invaluable list of words and excellent examples.
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November 14th, 2009 at 10:00 am
now I’m totally daft
November 14th, 2009 at 11:50 am
LOL totally awesome
November 14th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Lookin foward to part 2…LOL
November 14th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Does anyone besides me notice that in the red carpet pics his shirt is tucked in and in the event pics it is tucked out??
maybe he got a little too “happy” lol!!
November 14th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Robert Pattinson looks like Hugh Jackman in X-man. Love the beard and hair. Oh and you write quite nicely. Maybe you should publish some on Fanfiction???
November 14th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
oh, daft flippy.
waiting for part 2
November 14th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
hey lorna as always you made me laugh and with your diaries ,,,,my face got all hot lol jjaja.
but your new word[[[[abso-bloody-lutely]]]
you made my day .. thanks. and those photos holding hands [oh my god] with taylor dating maybe they are going out now, ..
November 14th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
Love it so much,I was hoping you would make a diary about that event,because I just mentioned it yesterday,thanks you thank you thank you!!!!
Can’t wait for part 2!
November 14th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
oh Lorna!!! LOL!!! saw these pictures last night and look what I found in my mailbox today!!! xD
Waiting for part 2 =D
November 14th, 2009 at 8:13 pm
so naughty lorna! love the “As soon as I bloody can, I’m going to spank your saucy bottom and then have my abso-bloody-lutely carnal way with you.” can’t stop smiling and looking idiot here.
November 14th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
In Picture 3, Rob is not really holding Kristen’s waist, but rather her boob.LOL!
November 14th, 2009 at 11:14 pm
nice post, Lorna!
I always check your website for new diary entries!
thank you so much & keep up the good work!
can somebody please translate for me?
thanks!
“…and then have my abso-bloody-lutely carnal way with you.”
November 14th, 2009 at 11:17 pm
Blinkered? Bollocks? Hilarious. And the British don’t think they are funny.
November 15th, 2009 at 3:30 am
Oooh… that was good.. really really good! Ilove Robsten so much!!
November 29th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
ohhh, gosh..i just discovered your website! This is effin hilarious!
Rob didn’t hold her waist..boob graze is more like it…or maybe he was covering that part that body part that could have been so close to Taylor and hence the daft and jealous Rob as you’ve written…LOL! So apt!
December 12th, 2009 at 5:56 am
Omg I loved it lorana u are guenis keep the diaries coming!