A Twilight Kiss

WARNING: This post contains language that you may find offensive. Please use your own discretion.

And, to make it clear, this is a work of fiction that follows a conversation between Summit Entertainment’s Senior Vice President for Worldwide Publicity, Vivian Mayer-Siskind, and the agent of Kristen Stewart — Ken Kaplan. It is also, partially, a parody of the infamous Christian “Batman” Bale rant on the Terminator Salvation set.

Again, to reiterate, this is a total figment of my imagination.

SEQ 01. INT. OFFICE. A woman in a suit is gripping an advance copy of Nylon Magazine with Kristen Stewart on the cover. The intercom buzzes. She immediately slams the magazine down and presses the button.

SECRETARY
Ma’am, Mr. Ken Kaplan on–

The manager doesn’t allow her to finish and grabs the phone on her table.

SUMMIT PUBLICITY MANAGER
What the f— is the matter with your client, Ken? I’m reading an advance copy of the Nylon Mag, and I can’t believe she actually says, “[Rob and I are] put in the most f—ing psychotic situations.”

Is she a f—ing retard? Can’t she think before she opens her f—ing mouth? Doesn’t she realize that those f—ing psychotic situations made the movie the hit that it is? She can’t f—ing call the Twilight fans f—ing psychotic! Even if that’s her real opinion, she ought to keep it to her f—ing self! She’s the f—ing psychotic!

She stops her tirade for a while and listens to the agent.

SUMMIT PUBLICITY MANAGER
Stop the bull—–ng and f—ing around, man! You need to sit her the f— down and talk some f—ing sense into her! Is she on a f—ing suicide mission? Aside from f—ing the fans, she f—s the press!

The manager picks up the Nylon Magazine.

SUMMIT PUBLICITY MANAGER
“Anywhere we’d go for Twilight was a psychotic situation. The sound was deafening, and it’s thoughtless, as well… You get a slew of all these bullshit questions like, ‘What’s it like to kiss a vampire?’ and ‘How much do you love Robert?”

Thoughtless?!? Bullshit questions?!? In one f—ing breath she insults both the fans and the press! Who the f— does she think she is? Is she Meryl Streep with fifteen f—ing Oscar nominations?

And what’s with the crap about not f—ing attending the Oscars because she only wants to present “When it’s a great movie, not just one that makes a lot of money?!?”

Remind her that that f—ing money will keep on rolling for her in the years to come! That f—ing money will allow her to shoot all the indie films that she likes without having to worry about the f—ing rent or food!

And the f—ing publicity she will get from Twilight will draw fans to her indie films! That means her f—ing name can get projects off the ground because producers want her on board! In case she hasn’t realized it yet, Twilight is a great f—ing deal for her!!! What the f— doesn’t she understand?

Get over there and ask her if she’s a f—ing professional! Tell her I’m asking her if she can do the f—ing job! Remind her that the job requirement includes not f—ing the company that’s producing your f—ing film!

I would really love to do it myself, Ken, but I might just f—ing lose control and do something I might regret. So, do me a favor, Ken, and tell her that I want to see her smiling in every f—ing picture from the Tokyo premiere, and nothing better come out from the press junket that’s going to cause me a f—ing migraine. Or so help me, I’ll–

The manager stops and attempts to control herself.

SUMMIT PUBLICITY MANAGER
She’d better get her f—ing act together or she’s gonna be f—d professionally in this town!

The manager slams the phone down then hurls the Nylon Magazine against the door, almost hitting the secretary, who had just opened the door to make an inquiry.

Note: Again, this is a work of fiction. Please refrain from any profanity in the comments section. Thank you very much.

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