A Twilight Kiss

Kristen Stewart stars as Bella Swan in Summit Entertainment’s Twilight (2008)
Copyright © Summit Entertainment. All Rights Reserved.

SEQ 01. INT. Late afternoon. Stewart Dining Room in LA. The management team of Kristen Stewart, including her agent, attorney and publicists are in the room with her, while her parents flit in and out anxiously. It’s been two days since the 2009 Oscars.

KRISTEN STEWART’S AGENT
I would like to thank everyone for being here this afternoon. We’re going to be having a long important meeting so, please, no texts, no calls, no interruptions. This is too important. I received a very unpleasant call from the VP of Publicity from Summit, and, I promised her we will fix the PR problem, hence, Project Snow White. Let’s discuss what we’re going to do about the PR for the Oscars, Nylon Magazine and Rob issues.

KRISTEN
Rob? What for? Why is he included?

KRISTEN STEWART’S AGENT
We’ll get to that. First, let’s settle the Oscars issue. Dominique. Ruth. Were you able to have a meeting with the Academy’s Communications Department?

KRISTEN STEWART’S PUBLICIST #1
Yes, and, we can do the “I was never invited” story.

KRISTEN STEWART’S AGENT
Are you sure? I don’t want the Academy to refute us once we’ve released the story. That’s going to be a hell of a mess!

KRISTEN STEWART’S PUBLICIST #2
Look, our contact from the department can’t really say anything on the record, but, let me tell you, once Dominique and I told him our proposal, he actually smiled. Smiled, Ken! And then when we asked how the Academy will respond, he said, “We neither confirm nor deny any rumors or allegations about the Oscar presenters unless completely necessary.”

KRISTEN STEWART’S PUBLICIST #1
Besides, think about it. Our denial story will make the Academy look good! It would create the impression that they’re the ones who said ‘No,’ not Kristen.

KRISTEN STEWART’S AGENT
Joel, will there be any legal repercussions to this?

KRISTEN STEWART’S LAWYER
I sincerely doubt it. And, I agree with Dominique and Ruth. It will be to the advantage of the Academy if they say nothing.

KRISTEN STEWART’S AGENT
Alright, you’ve convinced me. So, Kristen, we’ll rehearse this later, but, basically, you’ll be saying, “I didn’t go to the Oscars because I was NOT invited. If I were invited to the Oscars, I would be there in a nanosecond. If I got an invitation to the Oscars, I wouldn’t turn it down!” Okay?

Kristen is silent.

KRISTEN STEWART’S AGENT
Kristen, we understand your reasons why you didn’t want to go, because, we know you. But a lot of other people don’t. (to John Stewart) That reminds me. John, I have to really request you not to speak so candidly to your industry friends. I know you were just making small talk when you told Access Hollywood that Kristen will only present “[when] it’s a great movie, not just one that makes a lot of money,” but, you’re now a reliable source of information about Kristen, and, I would rather have all official announcements go through the publicity team.

JOHN STEWART
Yeah, I understand. I sincerely apologize about that. It’s just that I know a lot of the guys in Access Hollywood.

KRISTEN STEWART’S AGENT
Of course, John, you’re one of the best in the industry, but, you have to remember you’re sort of a celebrity yourself now with Kristen in Twilight.

JOHN STEWART
I know. It’s really weird.

KRISTEN STEWART’S AGENT
(gives a small laugh) I know. It’s really strange. Everything changed with Twilight. Kristen?

KRISTEN
(reluctantly) Okay.

KRISTEN STEWART’S AGENT
Great! So that’s a go for the “I was never invited to the Oscars” story for Project Snow White. Let’s move on to the Nylon Magazine interview.

KRISTEN
(strongly) There’s no need for me to apologize. That whole quote was taken out of context, and, you know it, Ken! I feel like everything that I said in that Nylon interview, if anybody actually read the whole thing, was very honest and genuine and talking about something that I am so immersed in and have absolutely no control over and I’m just trying to stay honest and true to something that I care about!

KRISTEN STEWART’S PUBLICIST #1
(soothingly) We know, Kristen, we know. But controversy is always a great way to sell papers and magazines. A lot of times you will be misquoted or not presented properly.

KRISTEN
I strongly feel that I have nothing to apologize for!

KRISTEN STEWART’S PUBLICIST #2
Kristen, you’ve hurt a lot of the Twilight fans. Can you at least say “I love the fans” or “I respect them” or “I’m grateful for the opportunities Twilight gave me”?

KRISTEN
But, I do genuinely feel all those things!

KRISTEN STEWART’S PUBLICIST #1
Then, can you please say those things during interviews? And, please, be very careful of your choice of words. For example, psychotic can be so easily misinterpreted. When fans travel from Brazil to London just to catch a glimpse of you and Rob, camp out in front of the mall for 48 hours, then, yes, these Twilighters can, admittedly, be called “fucking psychotic.” However, there are other ways to describe such behavior. Passionate, unbelievably supportive, etc.

KRISTEN STEWART’S PUBLICIST #2
And, let’s get rid of the F word, please. Only in interviews, of course. In your private conversations, you can speak any way you want.

KRISTEN STEWART’S PUBLICIST #1
Just make sure you’re not wearing a mike, though, or someone might be tempted to put a recording of you cursing online.

KRISTEN STEWART’S PUBLICIST #2
We don’t want a Christian “Terminator” Bale scenario.

The whole team laughs.

KRISTEN STEWART’S LAWYER
Kristen, just be careful not to imply that Nylon Magazine edited or misrepresented you in any way in their March issue, or Nylon might bring a case against us. I don’t think they will, but, I would rather avoid any legal entanglements because it will draw more attention to the interview, when we want the exact opposite.

KRISTEN STEWART’S PUBLICIST #1
We’ll draw attention away from it by providing new fodder. We’ve scheduled interviews as soon as you get back from the Twilight Tokyo Premiere.

KRISTEN STEWART’S PUBLICIST #2
While you’re there, the paps will be out to get you. So, please make sure to smile most of the time, or we’ll get headlines like “Kristen Stewart Unthrilled by Tokyo” or “Kristen Stewart Snubs Japanese Fans.”

KRISTEN
(tersely) Got it.

KRISTEN STEWART’S AGENT
Excellent! To summarize, to counter the Nylon Magazine interview, Kristen will explain that she sincerely loves and respects the fans, and variations thereof. And, to prove that she loves the fans, we’ll have pics of her signing autographs, talking to them, waving, smiling… And, let’s make sure she says something really complimentary in Japanese. Alright, moving on to the last part of the Project Snow White agenda before we rehearse.

KRISTEN STEWART’S PUBLICIST #1
Kristen, please don’t get offended, but, we’re asking this for professional reasons, because we need to know how to handle the situation. May we know if you and Michael are still a couple?

KRISTEN
(angrily) Yes! Why can’t everybody stop asking me that?!? I’m sick and tired of people speculating about my private life!!!

KRISTEN STEWART’S PUBLICIST #2
Please, Kristen. We know this is a sensitive subject, but, please remember, we’re here to help you with the situation.

KRISTEN
There is no situation!

KRISTEN STEWART’S PUBLICIST #1
Kristen, please understand that Rob is a very integral part of your public persona. You will be questioned again and again and again whether you’re just friends or not.

KRISTEN
We’re only friends!!!

KRISTEN STEWART’S PUBLICIST #2
Yes, but, whenever you say you’re just friends, you unintentionally make yourself look like a liar because of your obvious chemistry with Rob.

KRISTEN
That’s just work! Nothing more!

KRISTEN STEWART’S PUBLICIST #1
(soothingly) We understand. Of course, it’s just work. But, here’s the thing. In the public’s eye, Rob looks like the puppy dog you keep kicking around whenever you bring out the friendship card. He has been so complimentary of you by mentioning in so many interviews how he did Twilight because of you, that you’re such a fantastic actress, etc. Can you please return the favor and…

KRISTEN
I just told you I have a boyfriend!!! Rob and I are just friends!!!

KRISTEN STEWART’S PUBLICIST #2
We’re not telling you to say that you do not have a boyfriend. Remember, it’s about changing the public’s perception of you. Let me be blunt. You look like a f—ing b—-h whenever you d— Rob.

KRISTEN STEWART’S PUBLICIST #1
(gives the other publicist a warning look) What Ruth means to say is that by admitting that you and Rob have a special “closeness” or you “lean on each other” during Twilight events, you look more credible, and, more importantly, you will give the press nowhere to go. If you keep denying it, you’re just giving them incentive to prove you otherwise. But, if you say right off the bat that, “Yes, we’re really close,” you don’t give them any ammunition.

KRISTEN STEWART’S PUBLICIST #2
I’m sure you can say something nice about Rob, like, what a funny guy he is by making everybody laugh, or how really talented he is because he can sing and play the piano and guitar, or how really smart he is because he reads a lot. If that’s alright with you.

KRISTEN
(grudgingly) Yeah, that’s okay.

KRISTEN STEWART’S AGENT
Great, great! Let’s have a cig break, guys. Take 15?

EVERYBODY
Yeah.

SEQ 02. EXT. Early evening. Sidewalk in front of the Stewart house. The management team is smoking while leaning against their cars or standing on the sidewalk. They speak in hushed intense whispers.

KRISTEN STEWART’S PUBLICIST #1
What the f— were you thinking, Ruth? You know Kristen’s touchy about the Rob thing.

KRISTEN STEWART’S PUBLICIST #2
Sorry, Dominique. (gives a small laugh) Just can’t help loving the guy. He’s such a sweet dork. I hate it when Kristen cuts him down in public with all those denials and friendship crap when it’s so perfectly obvious she’s in love with him.

KRISTEN STEWART’S PUBLICIST #1
Remember that Kristen’s your client, and, if she insists on staying with Mike…

KRISTEN STEWART’S PUBLICIST #2
Yeah, yeah… (sarcastically) Well, we’d better tell her to stop it with the finger in the mouth, the biting on and off the set, the moony looks… It makes her look like a f—ing c—teaser!

KRISTEN STEWART’S PUBLICIST #1
(sighs) Fine. But, let’s say it more diplomatically, okay?

KRISTEN STEWART’S AGENT
Let’s make her feel safe, guys. At least now Kristen’s listening to us.

KRISTEN STEWART’S LAWYER
F— yeah! Remember those pics of her smoking w— on her f—ing doorstep? I thought she would be charged! And she was so defensive about being able to do whatever she wants in her own home. Well, not when you’re sitting outside of your f—ing front door for the whole f—ing world to see!

KRISTEN STEWART’S AGENT
I think she’s learning the hard way that we’re in her corner. Anyway, let’s go back in. We have to start rehearsing Kristen on what to say. Project Snow White is on.

The management team snuffs their cigarettes and walks back into the Stewart house.

KRISTEN STEWART’S PUBLICIST #1
And, let’s cross our fingers that the media will pay more attention to the Chris Brown – Rihanna issue, so this blows over pretty soon, or they’ll be all over us.

Lorna Lopez aka ATwilightKiss Notes

The Management Team of Kristen Stewart This is a work of fiction that follows a conversation between Kristen Stewart and her management team. I based the names of the management team on an internet site that states:

Kristen Stewart’s Agent: Ken Kaplan
Kristen Stewart’s Attorney: Joel McKuin
Kristen Stewart’s Publicist: Dominique Appel
Kristen Stewart’s Publicist: Ruth Bernstein

Spinning the Kristen Stewart Issues Spinning refers to the industry practice of “heavily biased portrayal in one’s own favor of an event or situation,” or the way by which one can put a subject in a more favorable light after some negative publicity.

Some of the lines of Kristen were lifted from actual interviews. Links are provided if you wish to read them in full.

In my opinion, her publicists had a refresher course with Kristen Stewart to iron out her answers to controversial issues such as the 2009 Oscars, the Nylon Magazine interview and Rob. Note that she is more “diplomatic” now in her interviews and her photos show her smiling and being friendlier.

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