A Twilight Kiss

Photo courtesy of Entertainment Weekly
Photo: James White

To read Part 2 — Kristen Stewart and Michael Angarano Together Photos — A Robsten & Hamlet Parody

To read Part 1 — Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart Together Photos — A Robsten & Hamlet Parody

Alternative Title: Silencing the Company Minions — Part 3 Of A Robsten & Hamlet Parody with The Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart at the Sam Bradley Concert Photos Incident

SEQ 07-a. INT. Small private lounge area in a hotel. Company minions #12 and #13 are seated on the couch.

COMPANY MINION #13
Are we the angels or the devil? Good or evil? Black or white?

COMPANY MINION #12
What are you talking about?

COMPANY MINION #13
I’m just thinking about what we’re trying to accomplish here.

COMPANY MINION #12
There is no good or evil with Project Lollipop.

COMPANY MINION #13
But are we not interfering with fate?

COMPANY MINION #12
We are the masters of our own fate.

COMPANY MINION #13
But we’re making it difficult for them to choose.

COMPANY MINION #12
On the contrary, we are making it very clear for them what is the most logical course of action to take.

COMPANY MINION #13
If that’s the case, are we not taking the choice away from them?

COMPANY MINION #12
No. We make it clear what is expected of them by the company. However, they are still free to choose whatever they want to do, even if it’s illogical.

Project Lollipop seeks to convince them that it is wiser to avoid any emotional entanglements, since it is to the advantage of all parties concerned, including them.

COMPANY MINION #13
How can they be really free to choose?

COMPANY MINION #12
They are both expected to follow the law. Within the law, the company can only influence them, and make strong suggestions. There is no contractual obligation for them to follow the strictures and instructions of the company. Even Madame President cannot demand it of them. They are both of legal age and legal adults. They must decide on which path to take.

SFX of approaching footsteps. The company minions hide behind the curtain.

Trista enters the lounge with a book and sits on the couch. However, she is too distracted to read. She closes the book and sinks into melancholy.

SEQ 07-b. INT. Small private lounge area in a hotel. After a certain period, Hamburgerlet enters the lounge and notices Trista.

HAMBURGERLET
What’s the matter, Trista?

TRISTA
(testily) Do you need to ask?

HAMBURGERLET
I have no idea.

TRISTA
Really? You have no idea that you were very offensive?

HAMBURGERLET
You offended me.

TRISTA
I– It was not intentional.

HAMBURGERLET
(sarcastic) It wasn’t?

TRISTA
I’m leaving.

Trista attempts to exit the door leading back to the hotel rooms, but, Hamburgerlet blocks her way.

HAMBURGERLET
No! Stay!

Trista turns towards the other door that exits to the hotel lobby. Hamburgerlet moves swiftly to block her again.

TRISTA
Let me pass.

Hamburgerlet does not move.

TRISTA
Burger, get out of the way.

HAMBURGERLET
Not until you’ve listened to what I’ve had to say.

Trista hits her palms against the chest of Hamburgerlet.

TRISTA
Leave me alone!

Hamburgerlet grabs her hands in his, forcing her to stay.

HAMBURGERLET
Are you blind, Trista? Do you have eyes that see? Do you have ears that hear? Do you have a heart that beats? That can love?

TRISTA
How dare you!

Trista pulls her hand from his and moves to slap him. Hamburgerlet captures her hand again.

HAMBURGERLET
Oh yes, I dare. How dare you, Trista? How dare you do what you have done? You have forgotten yourself and chosen to be a company minion! You choose to do whatever they say even if your soul cries out ‘No!’

TRISTA
Stop it, Burger!

HAMBURGERLET
What do you want, Trista? Is it Jayden and the company? Or me? Will you be a slave to their will? Or be my queen? Will you lie in a filth of lies? Or soar with the truth?

TRISTA
Stop Burger! You wound me with your words! You stab at my very heart! Please, please stop…

Trista hides her tear stricken face against his chest. Hamburgerlet relents.

HAMBURGERLET
I’m sorry. I was only being cruel to be kind.

TRISTA
Burger, if your words were made of breath, and that very same breath were life itself, then I have no life to breathe after what you have just said to me…

HAMBURGERLET
Trista…

Trista puts her fingers against his lips.

TRISTA
No more…

Hamburgerlet releases Trista. She moves to a chair and collapses on it.

HAMBURGERLET
(quietly) I’m going to Nathan’s concert. If you’re not there, then I’ll know that you’ve made your choice…

TRISTA
Burger.

Hamburgerlet kneels in front of Trista.

HAMBURGERLET
Please, Trista, please be there, and give me back my own breath so that I may live…

Hamburgerlet kisses her hand passionately and then exits.

SEQ 08. INT. Backstage Area of a Club. Night. The band has obviously been playing for a while. Hamburgerlet continuously looks towards the backstage door, and catches the eye of the club bouncer, who shakes his head at him.

Nathan finishes a song with his band and looks towards Hamburgerlet, who shakes his head no. Nathan motions for him to turn around, where Trista was waiting uncertainly a few feet behind him.

Hamburgerlet approaches Trista. They look at each other intently, the atmosphere electric with tension and hope.

HAMBURGERLET
Trista.

TRISTA
Burger.

HAMBURGERLET
I need the words, Trista. Please.

TRISTA
I choose you. There can be no other choice. It was always you. How can you doubt it?

HAMBURGERLET
Oh there were reasons for doubts.

TRISTA
Well, there can be no room for doubts now. I’m here. With you.

HAMBURGERLET
Yes, with me.

Hamburgerlet grabs Trista into an embrace, which flusters her.

TRISTA
Burger, what are you doing? We’re out in public!

HAMBURGERLET
I don’t care. You are my breath. You are my life. I will die if I can’t kiss you now.

Trista cups his face.

TRISTA
Then I shall stay still until you have recovered your life.

Hamburgerlet and Trista kiss in full view of the crowd. Company minion #12 is seen hurrying towards the kissing couple, while #13 approaches a couple of paps who are taking pictures of Hamburgerlet and Trista discreetly.

Photo Courtesy of Just Jared
Credit: Ciao Pix; Photos: INFdaily

SEQ 09. Film Set. Night. Company minions #12 and 13 are on top of a set piece made to look like a forbidding cliff.

COMPANY MINION #13
Why have we been called?

COMPANY MINION #12
(sighs tiredly) I don’t know why we have been summoned.

COMPANY MINION #13
This is bad.

COMPANY MINION #12
What’s bad about it?

COMPANY MINION #13
Well, think about it. We’ve f—cked up. We’ve made major mistakes. And then we’re told to go in the middle of the night to a spooky place.

COMPANY MINION #12
A film set is not spooky.

COMPANY MINION #13
We’re on top of a set piece that’s supposed to mimic a 75 foot cliff, so this is approximately, what, 20 feet?

COMPANY MINION #12
30 feet.

COMPANY MINION #13
In any movie script, when there’s a cliff and it’s dark, somebody falls.

COMPANY MINION #12
No one is going to fall.

COMPANY MINION #13
I’m just saying that’s what happens in the movies.

COMPANY MINION #12
We are not in the movies.

COMPANY MINION #13
It sure feels like we’re in one.

COMPANY MINION #12
Besides, there’s an inflatable at the bottom.

COMPANY MINION #13
There is?

#13 goes to the edge and peers down.

COMPANY MINION #13
I can’t see anything.

#13 suddenly yelps when he feels a hand clamp on his shoulder.

COMPANY MINION #12
Trust me. There is one. They’re still supposed to be shooting tomorrow.

COMPANY MINION #13
What if they let the air out?

COMPANY MINION #12
Of course, there’s a 50% probability that they have.

COMPANY MINION #13
Or a 50% probability that it’s all soft and fluffy.

COMPANY MINION #12
There’s also a 50% probability that anyone who falls may survive the fall.

COMPANY MINION #13
With broken bones and paralysis maybe.

COMPANY MINION #12
There have been recorded instances when people who should have died survived with no injuries.

#13 reflects for a moment.

COMPANY MINION #13
That’s true.

COMPANY MINION #12
What is most probable is, if you keep on staying longer by the edge, there is a 50% probability you might just slip and fall.

COMPANY MINION #13
That’s not true.

#13 steps back hurriedly. #12 smiles at the movement.

COMPANY MINION #12
There’s a 50% probability that I am correct.

#13 looks over the shoulder of his colleague.

COMPANY MINION #13
Good evening, ma’am.

#12 turns and faces the dark corner of the cliff set piece that leads to the stairs.

COMPANY MINION #12
Good evening, ma’am.

OFFICE ASSISTANT
I do believe you know why I am here.

COMPANY MINION #12
I’m afraid not. We’re a bit confused. Would you like to enlighten us?

OFFICE ASSISTANT
I believe that I have come to witness you honor your word.

COMPANY MINION #12
Ah…

There is a long silence wherein #12 and the office assistant look at each other, while #13 stares at both of them in confusion.

COMPANY MINION #13
(whispers) I don’t understand. What is she talking about?

#12 continues looking at the office assistant even as she answers #13.

COMPANY MINION #12
I believe that the company has taken us up on our offer to lay down our lives.

COMPANY MINION #13
That’s ridiculous! It was just a well-known phrase to show our commitment!

COMPANY MINION #12
Haven’t you ever wondered what happened to #1-11?

COMPANY MINION #13
Aren’t our numbers just picked out randomly?

COMPANY MINION #12
I don’t think so. Project Lollipop has been an ongoing project that, I think, only required one in the beginning. When the project became too troublesome, the company started assigning two minions.

COMPANY MINION #13
Well, #1-11 minions must be assigned to other company projects now.

COMPANY MINION #12
Maybe, but, I think there’s a 90% probability that they have also been encouraged to take the honorable path.

COMPANY MINION #13
What’s honorable about dying?

#12 breaks her stare-down with the office assistant and looks at #13.

COMPANY MINION #12
You may look at it this way. We have just been given an opportunity to control how a 100% probability will occur.

COMPANY MINION #13
Death is not 100%

As she speaks, #12 takes steps backward towards the edge.

COMPANY MINION #12
There’s only two certain things in this world – taxes and death.

As #12 says death, she steps off the edge and disappears.

COMPANY MINION #13
#12!!!

#13 looks at the silent office assistant.

COMPANY MINION #13
I’m not going to do it! I’m not honorable! So what are you going to do? Will you do the dirty deed for me?

The office assistant silently stares at #13. #13 becomes horrified with a realization.

COMPANY MINION #13
(whispering) You will, won’t you? You will! You’ve done it 11 times before so you know that the probability of getting caught is down to almost 0%!

#13 laughs wildly and is on the verge of hysteria.

COMPANY MINION #13
Risk management! Numbers! Probabilities! It’s all about the numbers in the end! Numbers! Probabilities! (sobbing) It’s insane! Numbers! Probabilities! Numbers… Probabilities… 50 percent… 50 percent…

As he says 50%, #13 turns away from the office assistant and halts at the very edge.

COMPANY MINION #13
Number 13. 50 percent. Number 13. 50 percent. 50 percent! 50 percent! 50 percent!!!

As he chants the probability of survival, #13 takes out his small canister and throws salt over his shoulder repeatedly, trying to take courage in the face of the probabilities of survival. As he says the last word, #13 steps off the edge of the cliff set piece.

Fade out.

Lorna Lopez aka ATwilightKiss Notes

The Summit Conspiracy and Hamlet This script was born from the allegations of interference in the private lives of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart by Summit Entertainment

As the allegations increased in breadth, I realized that it started to somehow mimic the storyline of Shakespeare’s famous tragedy — Hamlet

I was also inspired by the utterly brilliant play of Tom Stoppard — Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, which takes the story of Hamlet from the point of view of two minor characters who become the leads in the spectacular version. But, let me immediately humbly declare that my efforts will be a pale almost transparent shade of an utterly brilliant luminous piece of work.

Famous Robsten Episode A monumental Robsten episode was when Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were caught in a club on 02 May 2009 being much more “friendly” than what has previously been recorded. Both were in attendance of a gig by Rob’s childhood friend, Sam Bradley, which led me to write of the event from the point of view of both Rob and Kristen

This event occurred a short period after Michael Angarano had visited Kristen Stewart in Vancouver, leading to wild speculation regarding the authenticity of his motives during his visit.

Basis of Sequences

In Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, who are the company minions in this parody, die through the indirect hand of Hamlet.

Hamlet is truly a tragedy with all the lead characters perishing by the end of the play.

A majority of the lines exchanged between Hamburgerlet and Trista are based on the closet scene — when Hamlet confronts his mother – Queen Gertrude

POLONIUS hides behind the arras

Enter HAMLET

HAMLET

Now, mother, what’s the matter?

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Hamlet, thou hast thy father much offended.

HAMLET

Mother, you have my father much offended.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Come, come, you answer with an idle tongue.

HAMLET

Go, go, you question with a wicked tongue.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Why, how now, Hamlet!

HAMLET

What’s the matter now?

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Have you forgot me?

HAMLET

No, by the rood, not so:
You are the queen, your husband’s brother’s wife;
And–would it were not so!–you are my mother.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Nay, then, I’ll set those to you that can speak.

HAMLET

Come, come, and sit you down; you shall not budge;
You go not till I set you up a glass
Where you may see the inmost part of you.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

What wilt thou do? thou wilt not murder me?
Help, help, ho!

LORD POLONIUS

[Behind] What, ho! help, help, help!

HAMLET

[Drawing] How now! a rat? Dead, for a ducat, dead!

Makes a pass through the arras

LORD POLONIUS

[Behind] O, I am slain!

Falls and dies

QUEEN GERTRUDE

O me, what hast thou done?

HAMLET

Nay, I know not:
Is it the king?

QUEEN GERTRUDE

O, what a rash and bloody deed is this!

HAMLET

A bloody deed! almost as bad, good mother,
As kill a king, and marry with his brother.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

As kill a king!

HAMLET

Ay, lady, ’twas my word.

Lifts up the array and discovers POLONIUS
Thou wretched, rash, intruding fool, farewell!
I took thee for thy better: take thy fortune;
Thou find’st to be too busy is some danger.
Leave wringing of your hands: peace! sit you down,
And let me wring your heart; for so I shall,
If it be made of penetrable stuff,
If damned custom have not brass’d it so
That it is proof and bulwark against sense.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

What have I done, that thou darest wag thy tongue
In noise so rude against me?

HAMLET

Such an act
That blurs the grace and blush of modesty,
Calls virtue hypocrite, takes off the rose
From the fair forehead of an innocent love
And sets a blister there, makes marriage-vows
As false as dicers’ oaths: O, such a deed
As from the body of contraction plucks
The very soul, and sweet religion makes
A rhapsody of words: heaven’s face doth glow:
Yea, this solidity and compound mass,
With tristful visage, as against the doom,
Is thought-sick at the act.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Ay me, what act,
That roars so loud, and thunders in the index?

HAMLET

Look here, upon this picture, and on this,
The counterfeit presentment of two brothers.
See, what a grace was seated on this brow;
Hyperion’s curls; the front of Jove himself;
An eye like Mars, to threaten and command;
A station like the herald Mercury
New-lighted on a heaven-kissing hill;
A combination and a form indeed,
Where every god did seem to set his seal,
To give the world assurance of a man:
This was your husband. Look you now, what follows:
Here is your husband; like a mildew’d ear,
Blasting his wholesome brother. Have you eyes?
Could you on this fair mountain leave to feed,
And batten on this moor? Ha! have you eyes?
You cannot call it love; for at your age
The hey-day in the blood is tame, it’s humble,
And waits upon the judgment: and what judgment
Would step from this to this? Sense, sure, you have,
Else could you not have motion; but sure, that sense
Is apoplex’d; for madness would not err,
Nor sense to ecstasy was ne’er so thrall’d
But it reserved some quantity of choice,
To serve in such a difference. What devil was’t
That thus hath cozen’d you at hoodman-blind?
Eyes without feeling, feeling without sight,
Ears without hands or eyes, smelling sans all,
Or but a sickly part of one true sense
Could not so mope.
O shame! where is thy blush? Rebellious hell,
If thou canst mutine in a matron’s bones,
To flaming youth let virtue be as wax,
And melt in her own fire: proclaim no shame
When the compulsive ardour gives the charge,
Since frost itself as actively doth burn
And reason panders will.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

O Hamlet, speak no more:
Thou turn’st mine eyes into my very soul;
And there I see such black and grained spots
As will not leave their tinct.

HAMLET

Nay, but to live
In the rank sweat of an enseamed bed,
Stew’d in corruption, honeying and making love
Over the nasty sty,–

QUEEN GERTRUDE

O, speak to me no more;
These words, like daggers, enter in mine ears;
No more, sweet Hamlet!

HAMLET

A murderer and a villain;
A slave that is not twentieth part the tithe
Of your precedent lord; a vice of kings;
A cutpurse of the empire and the rule,
That from a shelf the precious diadem stole,
And put it in his pocket!

QUEEN GERTRUDE

No more!

HAMLET

O, throw away the worser part of it,
And live the purer with the other half.
Good night: but go not to mine uncle’s bed;
Assume a virtue, if you have it not.
That monster, custom, who all sense doth eat,
Of habits devil, is angel yet in this,
That to the use of actions fair and good
He likewise gives a frock or livery,
That aptly is put on. Refrain to-night,
And that shall lend a kind of easiness
To the next abstinence: the next more easy;
For use almost can change the stamp of nature,
And either [ ] the devil, or throw him out
With wondrous potency. Once more, good night:
And when you are desirous to be bless’d,
I’ll blessing beg of you. For this same lord,

Pointing to POLONIUS
I do repent: but heaven hath pleased it so,
To punish me with this and this with me,
That I must be their scourge and minister.
I will bestow him, and will answer well
The death I gave him. So, again, good night.
I must be cruel, only to be kind:
Thus bad begins and worse remains behind.
One word more, good lady.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

What shall I do?

HAMLET

Not this, by no means, that I bid you do:
Let the bloat king tempt you again to bed;
Pinch wanton on your cheek; call you his mouse;
And let him, for a pair of reechy kisses,
Or paddling in your neck with his damn’d fingers,
Make you to ravel all this matter out,
That I essentially am not in madness,
But mad in craft. ‘Twere good you let him know;
For who, that’s but a queen, fair, sober, wise,
Would from a paddock, from a bat, a gib,
Such dear concernings hide? who would do so?
No, in despite of sense and secrecy,
Unpeg the basket on the house’s top.
Let the birds fly, and, like the famous ape,
To try conclusions, in the basket creep,
And break your own neck down.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Be thou assured, if words be made of breath,
And breath of life, I have no life to breathe
What thou hast said to me.

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