A Twilight Kiss

To read Part 3 — Robert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart at the Sam Bradley Concert — A Robsten & Hamlet Parody

To read Part 2 — Kristen Stewart and Michael Angarano Together Photos — A Robsten & Hamlet Parody

Alternative Title: Silencing the Company Minions — A Robsten & Hamlet Parody with The Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart Together Photos Incident

SEQ 01. INT. Office Lobby. A man and a woman in black pantsuits are seated on a sofa.

COMPANY MINION #13
Why is my number 13? Everyone knows it’s an unlucky number.

COMPANY MINION #12
13 comes after 12.

COMPANY MINION #13
Not necessarily. I remember the Chinese skip the number because they believe it’s bad luck. I rode an elevator in Chinatown once and it didn’t have the number 13.

COMPANY MINION #12
What do you mean?

COMPANY MINION #13
Like I said. You press 14 because there’s no 13.

COMPANY MINION #12
You mean if you wanted to go to Floor 13, you press 14?

COMPANY MINION #13
No.

COMPANY MINION #12
What do you mean no?

COMPANY MINION #13
13 doesn’t exist. So there’s no 13th floor.

COMPANY MINION #12
That’s ridiculous. You can’t just make a number disappear. It would cause chaos.

COMPANY MINION #13
13 hasn’t actually really disappeared. They just skip it.

COMPANY MINION #12
You can’t skip numbers. It goes against the numbering system.

COMPANY MINION #13
But some Chinese do it.

COMPANY MINION #12
After 12 is 13.

COMPANY MINION #13
Yes, after 12 comes 13.

COMPANY MINION #12
Good.

COMPANY MINION #13
Or 14.

COMPANY MINION #12
This is—

An office assistant in an identical black pantsuit opens a side door.

ASSISTANT
The President and VP are ready for you now.

Company minions 12 and 13 stand up hurriedly and follow the assistant.

SEQ 02. INT. Company Head Office. Company minions 12 and 13 are standing in front of what seems like a throne where a man and woman in white pantsuits are seated.

PRESIDENT
Welcome, Company minions 12 and 13.

VICE-PRESIDENT
Thank you very much for coming at such short notice.

COMPANY MINIONS #12 and #13
Our pleasure, Madame President and Mister Vice-President.

PRESIDENT
I believe you will like it in Vancouver.

COMPANY MINION #12
I’m sure we will love Vancouver and our new assignment, Madame President.

VICE-PRESIDENT
Have you studied your cases?

COMPANY MINION #12
Every page, Mister Vice-President.

COMPANY MINION #13
Every word, Mister Vice-President.

PRESIDENT
Can you handle your new assignment — Project Lollipop?

COMPANY MINION #12
With ease, Madame President.

COMPANY MINION #13
You can count on us, Madame President.

PRESIDENT
Can we?

COMPANY MINION #12
Of course, Madame President.

COMPANY MINION #13
Completely, Madame President.

COMPANY MINION #12
Absolutely.

COMPANY MINION #13
We will lay our lives for the company to make sure the job gets done.

COMPANY MINION #12 gives #13 a startled and worried look. The President smiles widely.

PRESIDENT
I’m very pleased to hear that. We will expect your daily reports on Project Lollipop. You may go now.

SEQ 03. INT. Small private lounge area in a hotel. Minions #12 and #13 are seated on a couple of chairs.

COMPANY MINION #12
Why did you say that?

COMPANY MINION #13
Say what?

COMPANY MINION #12
That ‘We will lay our lives for the company to make sure the job gets done!’

COMPANY MINION #13
I was just backing you up.

COMPANY MINION #12
I was just reassuring Madame President that we can handle Project Lollipop!

COMPANY MINION #13
Yeah, that’s what I did too.

#13 gives a huge happy smile to #12, obviously very pleased with himself.

COMPANY MINION #12
13!

COMPANY MINION #13
Don’t say my name like that! It’s scary.

#13 gets a container from an inner pocket, takes a pinch and throws it over his shoulder. #12 stares with incomprehension.

COMPANY MINION #12
What are you doing?

COMPANY MINION #13
I’ve decided to fight the bad luck. Every time I feel threatened, I’ll throw salt over my shoulder.

COMPANY MINION #12
13!

(#13 throws salt over his shoulder, which makes #12 choke. Hamburgerlet enters reading a book.)

COMPANY MINION #12
Good evening, Hamburgerlet.

Hamburgerlet does not look up from reading his book.

HAMBURGERLET
Hello, Minion #8.

COMPANY MINION #12
Oh no. I’m sorry. May I correct you? I’m Company Minion #12 and this is Company Minion #13.

HAMBURGERLET
Is that so? I must apologize then. I’m getting a bit confused because you all seem alike.

Company Minion #13 gestures to his book.

COMPANY MINION #13
So, what are you reading?

HAMBURGERLET
Words, words, words.

COMPANY MINION #13
Ah… That’s interesting.

Hamburgerlet suddenly looks up and goes very near the company minions.

HAMBURGERLET
Tell me, are you honest?

Company Minion #12 and #13 exchange looks.

COMPANY MINION #12
What do you mean, Hamburgerlet?

HAMBURGERLET
Are you fair?

COMPANY MINION #13
I’m afraid we don’t understand.

Hamburgerlet impatiently moves away from the company minions.

HAMBURGERLET
Come, come. We both know why you’re here. Were you not sent for?

COMPANY MINION #12
Who do you think sent for us, Hamburgerlet?

HAMBURGERLET
Let me guess. Madame President and Mister Vice-President? Haha! Let me make another guess. Are you our new jailers?

COMPANY MINION #12
Jailers?

HAMBURGERLET
No, not out jailers! You are our new babysitters. You will confine us in a crib that’s lined with soft mattresses and pillows. Very pretty, but a prison nevertheless.

COMPANY MINION #12
To whom do you refer to?

HAMBURGERLET
To the two of you becoming babysitters to Trista and I, of course. But, you forget, we have grown too big for the crib. We’ll tear it apart.

COMPANY MINION #12
Will you?

HAMBURGERLET
Let me be direct as you have not. Oh yes.

COMPANY MINION #12
We shall see.

HAMBURGERLET
Yes, we shall see. Trista?

Trista fully enters the lounge area.

TRISTA
I’m here.

HAMBURGERLET
(courteously) Trista, these are Company Minions #12 and #13, our new babysitters.

TRISTA
Company Minion #12. Company Minion #13.

HAMBURGERLET
Well, we’re off for dinner.

COMPANY MINION #12
Of course. Your separate cabs are waiting for you.

TRISTA
Thank you.

COMPANY MINION #12
Please follow protocol. Remember, you must remain separate at all times. There must be no photographs of the two of you together.

HAMBURGERLET
Yeah, yeah.

SEQ 04. INT. Car. Company minions #12 and #13 are staking out a restaurant.

COMPANY MINION #13
Why do we have to be named after numbers? It makes me feel like a nonentity, as if I can disappear without anyone noticing. Hamburgerlet didn’t even notice that the others have been reassigned. He lost count, #12! He called you #8!

What if he believes as some Chinese do? That #13 doesn’t really exist? What will he call me then? #14? Or will he ignore me altogether as if I didn’t exist? Was he just being polite a while ago?

Hamburgerlet and Trista exit the restaurant.

COMPANY MINION #12
Enough! Here they come!

Hamburgerlet and Trista hurriedly ride a cab.

COMPANY MINION #12
Damn them! They’ve taken the same cab together!

The minions follow the cab back to the hotel.

SEQ 04. INT. Car. Company minions #12 and #13 stay in the car and observes Hamburgerlet and Trista as they exit the cab.

COMPANY MINION #12
Damn! The paps are waiting! You know what to do! Make sure to buy all the pics! And stay within the budget!

COMPANY MINION #13
Understood!

#13 goes to the huddled paps and begins to negotiate. #12 goes after Hamburgerlet and Trista inside the hotel.

SEQ 05. INT. Hotel room. Minion #12 is on the phone. #13 hovers anxiously.

COMPANY MINION #12
Yes, we understand, Mister Vice-President. We apologize for making the mistake of missing those couple of photos. Thank you for giving us another chance with Project Lollipop.

Yes, please rest assured that the subjects shall be reminded of the protocol. Thank you again, Mister Vice-President

Lorna Lopez aka ATwilightKiss Notes

The Summit Conspiracy and Hamlet This script was born from the allegations of interference in the private lives of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart by Summit Entertainment

As the allegations increased in breadth, I realized that it started to somehow mimic the storyline of Shakespeare’s famous tragedy — Hamlet

I was also inspired by the utterly brilliant play of Tom Stoppard — Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, which takes the story of Hamlet from the point of view of two minor characters who become the leads in the spectacular version. But, let me immediately humbly declare that my efforts will be a pale almost transparent shade of an utterly brilliant luminous piece of work.

Famous Robsten Episode This incident wherein there was a couple of photos of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart together raised the hopes of the Robsten kingdom.

At the onset of the New Moon pre-production, the famous Twilight pair have not been reported being seen together. There were even fears that the formerly close duo made certain to keep apart privately. I believe I called it the Dark Age.

Basis of Sequences

The Non-Existence of #13 The conversation about the #13 is based on a real one that took place when I rode in an elevator for the first time that didn’t have the number 13, and, I was aghast at the gall to remove a number to circumvent a superstition!

Meeting the King and Queen of Denmark & Others The roles of the King and Queen of Denmark in Shakespeare’s Hamlet are now the President and Vice-President of the Company in the script, while Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are now Company Minions #12 and #13.

The following are the scenes from Hamlet that were used as the basis for some of the lines in the parody.

SCENE II. A room in the castle.

Enter KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN, and Attendants

KING CLAUDIUS

Welcome, dear Rosencrantz and Guildenstern!
Moreover that we much did long to see you,
The need we have to use you did provoke
Our hasty sending. Something have you heard
Of Hamlet’s transformation; so call it,
Sith nor the exterior nor the inward man
Resembles that it was. What it should be,
More than his father’s death, that thus hath put him
So much from the understanding of himself,
I cannot dream of: I entreat you both,
That, being of so young days brought up with him,
And sith so neighbour’d to his youth and havior,
That you vouchsafe your rest here in our court
Some little time: so by your companies
To draw him on to pleasures, and to gather,
So much as from occasion you may glean,
Whether aught, to us unknown, afflicts him thus,
That, open’d, lies within our remedy.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Good gentlemen, he hath much talk’d of you;
And sure I am two men there are not living
To whom he more adheres. If it will please you
To show us so much gentry and good will
As to expend your time with us awhile,
For the supply and profit of our hope,
Your visitation shall receive such thanks
As fits a king’s remembrance.

ROSENCRANTZ

Both your majesties
Might, by the sovereign power you have of us,
Put your dread pleasures more into command
Than to entreaty.

GUILDENSTERN

But we both obey,
And here give up ourselves, in the full bent
To lay our service freely at your feet,
To be commanded.

KING CLAUDIUS

Thanks, Rosencrantz and gentle Guildenstern.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Thanks, Guildenstern and gentle Rosencrantz:
And I beseech you instantly to visit
My too much changed son. Go, some of you,

And bring these gentlemen where Hamlet is.

GUILDENSTERN

Heavens make our presence and our practises
Pleasant and helpful to him!

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Ay, amen!

The Words W

LORD POLONIUS

Away, I do beseech you, both away:
I’ll board him presently.

Exeunt KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, and Attendants

Enter HAMLET, reading
O, give me leave:
How does my good Lord Hamlet?

HAMLET

Well, God-a-mercy.

LORD POLONIUS

Do you know me, my lord?

HAMLET

Excellent well; you are a fishmonger.

LORD POLONIUS

Not I, my lord.

HAMLET

Then I would you were so honest a man.

LORD POLONIUS

Honest, my lord!

HAMLET

Ay, sir; to be honest, as this world goes, is to be
one man picked out of ten thousand.

LORD POLONIUS

That’s very true, my lord.

HAMLET

For if the sun breed maggots in a dead dog, being a
god kissing carrion,–Have you a daughter?

LORD POLONIUS

I have, my lord.

HAMLET

Let her not walk i’ the sun: conception is a
blessing: but not as your daughter may conceive.
Friend, look to ‘t.

LORD POLONIUS

[Aside] How say you by that? Still harping on my
daughter: yet he knew me not at first; he said I
was a fishmonger: he is far gone, far gone: and
truly in my youth I suffered much extremity for
love; very near this. I’ll speak to him again.
What do you read, my lord?

HAMLET

Words, words, words.

LORD POLONIUS

What is the matter, my lord?

HAMLET

Between who?

LORD POLONIUS

I mean, the matter that you read, my lord.

HAMLET

Slanders, sir: for the satirical rogue says here
that old men have grey beards, that their faces are
wrinkled, their eyes purging thick amber and
plum-tree gum and that they have a plentiful lack of
wit, together with most weak hams: all which, sir,
though I most powerfully and potently believe, yet
I hold it not honesty to have it thus set down, for
yourself, sir, should be old as I am, if like a crab
you could go backward.

LORD POLONIUS

[Aside] Though this be madness, yet there is method
in ‘t. Will you walk out of the air, my lord?

HAMLET

Into my grave.

LORD POLONIUS

Indeed, that is out o’ the air.

Aside
How pregnant sometimes his replies are! a happiness
that often madness hits on, which reason and sanity
could not so prosperously be delivered of. I will
leave him, and suddenly contrive the means of
meeting between him and my daughter.–My honourable
lord, I will most humbly take my leave of you.

HAMLET

You cannot, sir, take from me any thing that I will
more willingly part withal: except my life, except
my life, except my life.

LORD POLONIUS

Fare you well, my lord.

HAMLET

These tedious old fools!

Enter ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN

LORD POLONIUS

You go to seek the Lord Hamlet; there he is.

ROSENCRANTZ

[To POLONIUS] God save you, sir!

Exit POLONIUS

GUILDENSTERN

My honoured lord!

ROSENCRANTZ

My most dear lord!

HAMLET

My excellent good friends! How dost thou,
Guildenstern? Ah, Rosencrantz! Good lads, how do ye both?

ROSENCRANTZ

As the indifferent children of the earth.

GUILDENSTERN

Happy, in that we are not over-happy;
On fortune’s cap we are not the very button.

HAMLET

Nor the soles of her shoe?

ROSENCRANTZ

Neither, my lord.

HAMLET

Then you live about her waist, or in the middle of
her favours?

GUILDENSTERN

‘Faith, her privates we.

HAMLET

In the secret parts of fortune? O, most true; she
is a strumpet. What’s the news?

ROSENCRANTZ

None, my lord, but that the world’s grown honest.

HAMLET

Then is doomsday near: but your news is not true.
Let me question more in particular: what have you,
my good friends, deserved at the hands of fortune,
that she sends you to prison hither?

GUILDENSTERN

Prison, my lord!

HAMLET

Denmark’s a prison.

ROSENCRANTZ

Then is the world one.

HAMLET

A goodly one; in which there are many confines,
wards and dungeons, Denmark being one o’ the worst.

ROSENCRANTZ

We think not so, my lord.

HAMLET

Why, then, ’tis none to you; for there is nothing
either good or bad, but thinking makes it so: to me
it is a prison.

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