A Twilight Kiss

Photo Courtesy of Just Jared Jr.
Photo: Lisa Rose/Nickelodeon

To read Part 3 — Robert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart at the Sam Bradley Concert — A Robsten & Hamlet Parody

To read Part 1 — Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart Together Photos — A Robsten & Hamlet Parody

Alternative Title: Silencing the Company Minions — Part 2 Of A Robsten & Hamlet Parody with The Kristen Stewart and Michael Angarano Together Photos Incident

SEQ 06-a. INT. Small private lounge area in a hotel.

COMPANY MINION #13
What if I do what the Chinese do? I can change my number from #13 to #14! Then the bad luck will marginally decrease.

COMPANY MINION #12
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. It’s the law.

COMPANY MINION #13
What can possibly happen? It’s just a skipped number.

COMPANY MINION #12
After 12 is 13. If the system isn’t followed chaos will result.

COMPANY MINION #13
Will it? I just want to take control of my destiny. Or, at least, influence the factors that I can for more positive results.

COMPANY MINION #12
Proactive action is highly commendable, of course.

COMPANY MINION #13
Then can I change my number? I’m sure the company won’t mind.

COMPANY MINION #12
(trying to dissuade #13) There’s probably a #14 already, so, you can’t be #14.

COMPANY MINION #13
I could be 14-A and he could be 14-B!

COMPANY MINION #12
(changes the subject to distract #13) Are Trista and Jayden in place?

COMPANY MINION #13
Yes, the paps have been called. Their photos today will be online by this afternoon and on print by tomorrow.

COMPANY MINION #12
Good. Madame President was very pleased with the photos from yesterday.

Photo Courtesy of Just Jared Jr.
Photo: Lisa Rose/Nickelodeon

COMPANY MINION #13
Well, Jayden is an actor.

COMPANY MINION #12
And paid very well for his troubles.

COMPANY MINION #13
It can’t be that hard. Jayden and Trista were boyfriend and girlfriend.

COMPANY MINION #12
Nevertheless, we must be sensitive to the situation. I’m sure there are still emotions involved even if they’re supposed to have broken up.

COMPANY MINION #13
I think we should be worried more about Hamburgerlet.

COMPANY MINION #12
You’re correct #13. He’s a passionate young man, and this might be affecting him adversely.

SFX of swiftly moving footsteps.

COMPANY MINION #12
Silence! They’re here!

Company Minions #12 and #13 retreat into a small alcove and draw the curtains closed, plunging the room in semi-darkness.

SEQ 06-b. INT. Small private lounge area in a hotel.

An agitated Trista enters, followed by a furious Hamburgerlet.

HAMBURGERLET
Are you honest, Trista?

TRISTA
What?

HAMBURGERLET
Are you fair?

TRISTA
Burger, what do you mean?

HAMBURGERLET
Exactly what I said, Trista. Are you honest and fair?

TRISTA
I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Hamburgerlet grabs her by the arms and shakes her cruelly.

HAMBURGERLET
Yes, you do! You do! You do…

Trista’s tears run down her cheeks.

TRISTA
Burger, please…

Hamburgerlet releases her and walks towards the alcove where the hidden minions are.

HAMBURGERLET
(brokenly) There are times when I wish I hadn’t been born.

TRISTA
Burger!

HAMBURGERLET
Do you know what it did to me knowing you were here with him? That he was beside you? That he was holding your hand?

While saying the following lines, Hamburgerlet stalks Trista until she’s against the wall. He traps her in place by placing his palms on the wall beside her.

HAMBURGERLET
(bitterly) Were you enjoying yourself, Trista? Were you enjoying the thought that you had the attention of two men?

TRISTA
No!

HAMBURGERLET
Did you have to be so affectionate with him, Trista? Did you have to make it look so real? Why did you pull that stunt? You know it’s ours! Ours, Trista!

TRISTA
What stunt, Burger?

HAMBURGERLET
Jumping on his back like a spider monkey! That’s our special thing together, Trista!

Hamburgerlet kisses her harshly. Their tears mingle on their lips. He releases her and staggers away.

TRISTA
I’m sorry.

HAMBURGERLET
Being in Los Angeles while he was here in Vancouver didn’t work. I was tortured with the images of the two of you together.

TRISTA
I’m sorry.

Hamburgerlet hits the wall with his fist, making his knuckles bleed.

HAMBURGERLET
This is insane! This can’t continue. It’s tearing me apart!

TRISTA
There’s nothing we can do.

HAMBURGERLET
I know what I want. I want some control back over my life.

TRISTA
It’s too late. We’re in too deep. We can’t do that.

Hamburgerlet goes to Trista and takes her hands gently.

HAMBURGERLET
Yes, we can.

TRISTA
But we’re under contract with the company!

HAMBURGERLET
So what? Our lawyers can always find loopholes…

Trista breaks away.

TRISTA
I don’t know.

HAMBURGERLET
What are you afraid of? We are not company minions!

TRISTA
(pleading) Burger, I’m not sure.

HAMBURGERLET
If need be, I’m ready to walk. We can just leave it all behind.

TRISTA
I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do.

HAMBURGERLET
Go away.

TRISTA
Burger…

HAMBURGERLET
Leave me alone.

TRISTA
I just want to…

HAMBURGERLET
Please. Just leave.

Trista exits.

SEQ 06-c. INT. Small private lounge area in a hotel.

Hamburgerlet grabs the guitar that’s lying by the sofa and begins to strum the strings. Impulsively, he begins to sing softly but passionately.

HAMBURGERLET
The words have been rendered meaningless
Shallow empty words bandied about

Devoid of depth in its declaration
Strung together with flimsy wit and laughter

Regurgitated at the slightest request
Uttered to strangers with outstretched greedy hands

Demeaning the solemn promise of true love
Smearing multitude vows with covetousness

I’m longing for the return of my beloved
Or is she lost in the mists forevermore

Let the cleansing rains flow over the vows of love
Let the fires burn the words back to its purity

Will you, will you, will you
Marry me

SEQ 06-d. INT. Small private lounge area in a hotel.

Hamburgerlet stops singing when he hears clapping from the doorway.

NATHAN
I see you haven’t lost it.

HAMBURGERLET
How can I lose something that’s innate?

NATHAN
And still modest, I see. It might help that that’s my guitar you’re playing. My own innate musical talent covering the wide abyss between your talent and my genius.

HAMBURGERLET
(laughs) I haven’t seen your sorry arse in ages.

NATHAN
And it’s bloody marvelous to see you too.

Hamburgerlet and Nathan hug.

HAMBURGERLET
All set for tomorrow night?

NATHAN
Pretty much. Shall I see you? Bring Trista along.

HAMBURGERLET
Can you arrange for us to watch from backstage?

NATHAN
No prob.

HAMBURGERLET
We’ll see you then.

NATHAN
That would chuff me to bits, that would.

Hamburgerlet and Nathan exit the lounge, still chatting.

SEQ 06-e. INT. Small private lounge area in a hotel.

The company minions push back the curtain and step out. #12 calls a number on her mobile phone.

COMPANY MINION #12
Project Lollipop is a go for tomorrow night. (closes her phone) #13, you’d better arrange for a money transfer. There will be paps to pay.

#12 exits opposite from where Hamburgerlet and Nathan have departed from. #13 looks into the distance at Hamburgerlet and Nathan.

COMPANY MINION #13
To be or not to be
That is the question…

COMPANY MINION #12
#13!

COMPANY MINION #13
Coming!

#13 follows #12.

Lorna Lopez aka ATwilightKiss Notes

The Summit Conspiracy and Hamlet This script was born from the allegations of interference in the private lives of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart by Summit Entertainment

As the allegations increased in breadth, I realized that it started to somehow mimic the storyline of Shakespeare’s famous tragedy — Hamlet

I was also inspired by the utterly brilliant play of Tom Stoppard — Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, which takes the story of Hamlet from the point of view of two minor characters who become the leads in the spectacular version. But, let me immediately humbly declare that my efforts will be a pale almost transparent shade of an utterly brilliant luminous piece of work.

Famous Robsten Episode The sequences above are based on – you guessed it – the Michael Angarano appearance in Vancouver when Rob went to LA on the last weekend of April 2009.

The incident wherein there were photos of Kristen Stewart and Michael Angarano together sent outraged cries throughout the Robsten kingdom.

Basis of Sequences

The company minions hiding in the alcove is supposed to mimic Polonius’ same action when Hamlet confronts his mother – Queen Gertrude.

The famous To be or not to be section has been replaced by a song that I’ve previously written:
Lyrics for Robert Pattinson — Will You Marry Me

The arrival of the tragedian and his company of players in Hamlet has been changed to Nathan and his band, in the same way that the friend of Robert Pattinson, Sam Bradley, performed several times in Vancouver.

The counterpart of the confrontation between Hamburgerlet and Trista in Hamlet would be the nunnery scene, where Hamlet accuses his lady love, Ophelia, of betrayal, and becomes alternately physically and verbally abusive with her.

The Nunnery Scene

HAMLET

Ha, ha! are you honest?

OPHELIA

My lord?

HAMLET

Are you fair?

OPHELIA

What means your lordship?

HAMLET

That if you be honest and fair, your honesty should
admit no discourse to your beauty.

OPHELIA

Could beauty, my lord, have better commerce than
with honesty?

HAMLET

Ay, truly; for the power of beauty will sooner
transform honesty from what it is to a bawd than the
force of honesty can translate beauty into his
likeness: this was sometime a paradox, but now the
time gives it proof. I did love you once.

OPHELIA

Indeed, my lord, you made me believe so.

HAMLET

You should not have believed me; for virtue cannot
so inoculate our old stock but we shall relish of
it: I loved you not.

OPHELIA

I was the more deceived.

HAMLET

Get thee to a nunnery: why wouldst thou be a
breeder of sinners? I am myself indifferent honest;
but yet I could accuse me of such things that it
were better my mother had not borne me: I am very
proud, revengeful, ambitious, with more offences at
my beck than I have thoughts to put them in,
imagination to give them shape, or time to act them
in. What should such fellows as I do crawling
between earth and heaven? We are arrant knaves,
all; believe none of us. Go thy ways to a nunnery.
Where’s your father?

OPHELIA

At home, my lord.

HAMLET

Let the doors be shut upon him, that he may play the
fool no where but in’s own house. Farewell.

OPHELIA

O, help him, you sweet heavens!

HAMLET

If thou dost marry, I’ll give thee this plague for
thy dowry: be thou as chaste as ice, as pure as
snow, thou shalt not escape calumny. Get thee to a
nunnery, go: farewell. Or, if thou wilt needs
marry, marry a fool; for wise men know well enough
what monsters you make of them. To a nunnery, go,
and quickly too. Farewell.

OPHELIA

O heavenly powers, restore him!

HAMLET

I have heard of your paintings too, well enough; God
has given you one face, and you make yourselves
another: you jig, you amble, and you lisp, and
nick-name God’s creatures, and make your wantonness
your ignorance. Go to, I’ll no more on’t; it hath
made me mad. I say, we will have no more marriages:
those that are married already, all but one, shall
live; the rest shall keep as they are. To a
nunnery, go.

Exit

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