A Twilight Kiss » Twilighter Inspired Scripts

Robert Pattinson Punishment Enforced by Twilight Queen Fairy

Lorna Lopez — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 16:01:45 +0000

SEQ 01. INT. Fairy Throne Room. Twilight. Fairies are seated on high thrones, which are arranged in a semi-circle. The queen fairy addresses the mortal standing at the center.

TWILIGHT QUEEN FAIRY
The Council has decided. Despite the adamant demand of Mr. Pattinson for a “deathly” decree, we have decided that a more humane punishment is in order. But be warned, Breaking Dawn thief. It is a punishment that touches upon your deepest desire.

Whenever you want to watch the film The Twilight Saga : Breaking Dawn, the magic will compel you to do something else. And so it shall also be with the book, so that you may be tortured by your own ardent need, and yet be unable to fulfill it.

BREAKING DAWN THIEF
Noooooooo!

TWILIGHT QUEEN FAIRY
May the Twilight goddess have mercy upon your soul.

Lorna Lopez aka ATwilightKiss Notes

Inspired by Robert Pattinson In a tone reminiscent of the infamous rants of Charlie Sheen, Robert Pattinson exhorts Twilight fans regarding what can be done to the Twilighter who leaked the Breaking Dawn photos. Remember, he’s JOKING (go toward the very end). Anyway, I thought a more fitting punishment was in order, which, of course, will NEVER HAPPEN.

Video Courtesy of PopSugar TV

Boyfriend Secretly Wants to Watch The Twilight Saga Eclipse DVD

Lorna Lopez — Mon, 13 Dec 2010 16:01:52 +0000

SEQ 01. INT. Apartment. Around midnight. A man is watching sports on TV. He looks at the door and checks his watch, which shows 0030H. After a while, he turns off the TV impatiently.

He goes to the kitchen and gets a drink from the ref and prepares a sandwich, while frequently looking at his watch. Last time he checks it’s 0100H.

When he hears the front door open, he rushes back to the couch and turns on the TV. A woman enters the apartment.

MAN
So, how was it?

WOMAN
There was a huge crowd. But I arrived pretty early so I was, like, the 25th person in line.

The woman drops the Eclipse DVD on the table then goes into the bedroom. As she changes clothes and goes into the kitchen for a snack, the man frequently looks at the DVD and takes glances at what she’s doing. The woman joins him on the couch, but makes no move to open the DVD case.

MAN
Hey, do you wanna watch your DVD?

WOMAN
It’s okay. It can wait.

MAN
(points to the sports program) This is just a replay, so no problem.

The woman looks at him furtively, then gives a small smile.

WOMAN
(casually) So, is it okay if we watch Eclipse?

MAN
(eagerly) Sure! Let me put it in the DVD player for you.

Lorna Lopez aka ATwilightKiss Notes

Based On A True Story This is based on a true account of a Twilighter who bought the DVD, got home, and found out to her amusement that her boyfriend wanted to watch it, but, couldn’t say so directly. LOL

The Twilighter In Bed With Robert Pattinson

Lorna Lopez — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 15:01:11 +0000

SEQ 01. INT. Living Room. Early evening. The doorbell rings. Twilighter #1 excitedly opens the door.

TWILIGHTER #1
Quick! He’s here!

TWILIGHTER #2
(squeals) Where?!?

TWILIGHTER #1
On my bed, of course! Where else?

The two girls run up the stairs while chattering.

SEQ 02. INT. Bedroom. Early evening. The door is flung open.

TWILIGHTER #2
OMG! OMG! He’s really here!

TWILIGHTER #1
Of course he is!

TWILIGHTER #2
Can I hug Rob?

TWILIGHTER #1
Sure! Where’s your phone? I’ll take your picture.

TWILIGHTER #2
Here! Quick! Can I pull up his shirt?

TWILIGHTER #1
(giggles) Whatever!

Lorna Lopez aka ATwilightKiss Note

To see the Robert Pattinson inspired product, please visit Robsten Gossip

Birthday Video of New Moon Almost Leads to Prison

Lorna Lopez — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 01:15:26 +0000

Courtesy of Summit Entertainment

SEQ O1. INT. Cinema theater ticket counter. Early evening.

TWILIGHTER #1
Happy birthday again, Lisa!

TWILIGHTER #2
Thanks!

TWILIGHTER #3
Isn’t watching New Moon an awesome way to end it?

TWILIGHTER #4
Let’s shoot Lisa when she screams. That will be so funny when you edit the video!

TWILIGHTER #1
(laughs) Definitely!

SEQ O2. INT. Cinema. Late evening.

TWILIGHTER #3
(whispers) Get ready! Taylor’s coming on.

TWILIGHTER #1
(whispers) Yeah, yeah!

TWILIGHTER #2
(screams)

TWILIGHTER #1
Got it!

All the girls giggle. Security approaches.

SECURITY
Ma’am, is that your video camera?

TWILIGHTER #1
Yes. What’s wrong?

TWILIGHTER #2
It’s my birthday. She was taking a vid of me, not the New Moon film.

SECURITY
Ma’am, please follow me.

The whole group reluctantly follows the security member out of the theater.

SEQ O3. INT. Police Station. Midnight.

TWILIGHTER #1
You can’t arrest me! I wasn’t going to sell bootleg copies! You can hear me talking the whole time! No one’s going to buy crap like that! This is ridiculous!

Lorna Lopez aka ATwilightKiss Notes

This script is based on a true to life story of a Twilighter who was almost sentenced for piracy due to using a video camera during a screening of The Twilight Saga New Moon. To read the details, please visit E!

Drink Twilight Daily to Avoid Renesmee Monthly

Lorna Lopez — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 11:43:57 +0000

WARNING: You may find the subject matter of this post offensive. Please use your own discretion.

SEQ 01. EXT. City Sidewalk. Early morning. Two women are chatting as they walk. One of them is pushing a stroller with a baby.

WOMAN 1 (With stroller and baby)
Did you ever miss your Twilight?

WOMAN 2
So far, no. I’ve set my phone alarm to go off to remind me. Besides, Ben and I have talked about it already, so we’re both committed to not having any yet.

WOMAN 1
So when?

WOMAN 2
Maybe after a couple of years of being married. I mean, we just celebrated our first monthsary a couple of days ago.

WOMAN 1
It’s gonna totally change your life!

WOMAN 2
That’s why. Hey, I need to restock my Twilight. Can we pass by the drugstore?

SEQ 02. INT. Drugstore counter. Early morning. The two women are chatting as they wait.

WOMAN 1
What do your parents say about making them wait for a Renesmee to spoil?

WOMAN 2
They’re not the ones who are going to be sleep deprived and cranky when the baby comes.

An employee approaches the two women.

DRUGSTORE PHARMACIST
Here’s your Twilight.

WOMAN 2
Thanks.

To see the Twilight product, please visit Robsten Lovers

Twilighter Lends the Silver Volvo for the Eclipse Shoot

Lorna Lopez — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 14:59:32 +0000

SEQ 01. INT. Living Room. Morning. The phone rings. A girl answers it.

TIFFANY
Yea, this is Tiffany. Can I help you?

Tiffany listens. She begins to hyperventilate.

TIFFANY
You’re asking if Robert Pattinson can drive my car? You’re…asking…if…Robert…Pattinson…can…drive…my…car? Can you hold on for a minute, please?

Tiffany puts the phone down, and then begins to scream and jump around the living room. After controlling herself, she picks up the phone again.

TIFFANY
Sure. But, you’re going to give me back my silver Volvo, right? Like, after Eclipse, the Volvo is going to be delivered back here, right? I just want to be sure about that. I mean, I’m only willing to lend the Twilight car, NOT give it away or anything like that. Okay. Sure, no problem. Will Rob be picking it up?

Lorna Lopez aka ATwilightKiss Notes

David Slade Explains the Black Volvo David Slade explains why the black Volvo has replaced the original silver.

Sorry, guys, but, because of Edward Cullen, the silver Volvos have been discontinued, and, the one we used for Twilight was given away on the Tyra show.

The Tyra Show Here’s the contest David Slade is referring to.

Did they ask the Silver Volvo Winner That set me to thinking, ‘Did they ask the winner of the silver Volvo if they could borrow the car for the Eclipse shoot?’

I mean, who wouldn’t want to have her car touched again and again by Robert Pattinson? And, they could have promised a set visit when the car is going to be used and arrange for some meet and greet to sweeten the pot. A minimal rental fee wouldn’t be amiss either.

Thanks Thanks to Twilight Indonesia for the heads up and link.

Twilighters Flash Forks Washington Police Department

Lorna Lopez — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 17:03:52 +0000

SEQ 01. EXT. Forks Washington Road. Afternoon. Two girls wearing Twilight shirts and jewelry are in a car. One is driving while the other girl is beside her on the passenger’s seat.

JILL
I don’t think I can do this, Crissy!

CRISSY
Don’t back out now, Jill! We’ve got it all planned out! The police are just up ahead. Press on the accelerator so we’ll go past the speed limit.

The car rushes past the speed limit sign that says 40. A close up of the speed dial needle shows 50. The car passes the parked police car. The sirens turn on and the police give pursuit.

CRISSY
(screams) Yeah! You’ll get a speeding ticket from the Forks Washington Police Department! Twilighters rule, baby! (looks behind) They’re catching up! Go faster, Jill! Faster!

The police car is finally abreast of the speeding vehicle. Crissy goes onto her knees on the seat, faces the open window squarely, and then raises her Twilight shirt to chest level.

CRISSY
Take a look at these babies, man!

SEQ 02. EXT. Forks Washington Dirt Road. Afternoon. Both the speeding car and the police car are now parked on the side of the road. Jill is already reading her speeding ticket excitedly. The police officer writes out another ticket and gives it to Crissy, who reads her ticket as well.

CRISSY
Oh yeah! Indecent exposure! Officer, can we please have a pic with you?

Lorna Lopez aka ATwilightKiss Notes

On the heels of the arrest of The Vampire Diaries ladies for allegedly flashing during a photo shoot in Georgia comes another flashing story, but, this time, involving true to life female Twilighters baring their chests to the police in Forks Washington. Why? To get a ticket from the Forks Police Department for indecent exposure. RadarOnline.com reports.

“It’s strange, but I do have people wanting to get speeding tickets from the Forks police department,” says [Field Deputy Bill Cortani of the county sheriff's office]. “I’ve had people flash me to get an indecent exposure ticket. Some Twilight fans feel this is all part of the Twilight experience.”

Maybe having a ticket from the Forks Police Department makes Charlie Swan seem more real? Or, being in Forks seems like a Twilight equivalent of a New Orleans Mardi Gras where you get pics and Forks police tickets instead of beads? Any more hypotheses as to why would people flash?

Robsten and the Cab Driver After the Bobby Long Concert

Lorna Lopez — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 16:13:45 +0000

Photo Uploaded from Robert Pattinson Life

What? What did I do to deserve this? Wasn’t this supposed to be the last one after a very long day? All I wanted was to get home, kiss my wife, hug my children, eat a nice dinner, and go to sleep.

Now, people are rocking my cab and going crazy over this two young people. Who are they anyway? It’s not as if they’re Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.

How am I supposed to drive when all these flashbulbs are blinding me? I can’t see! How can I drive? I might run over somebody, and then I’ll get sued.

I’m getting a headache! I hope my wife prepared something really nice for dinner… *sighs in resignation*

Lorna Lopez aka ATwilightKiss Notes

The expression on the cab driver’s face, who was driving for Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, made me smile. The rumored on and off screen Twilight couple was leaving the Bobby Long concert in Vancouver on 07 September 2009.

Robert Pattinson School Now Accepting Applicants

Lorna Lopez — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 14:58:14 +0000

Heartthrobs Daniel Radcliffe and Justin Timberlake have conceded the sexy race to Twilight hunk Robert Pattinson! Now, learn his secrets at the Robert Pattinson School where you will discover how to make the ladies scream and swoon at your feet… Learn how to give that Robert Pattinson smile that makes the girls just fall in love!

Photo Courtesy of Everglow

Learn how to do that Robert Pattinson sexy run his fingers through his hair trick that makes the girls go gaga!

Video Courtesy of GossipCop.com

Learn how to do that Robert Pattinson style of black hoodies, mismatched buttons and unwashed clothes that makes the girls just want to line up to take care of him!

Picture by: Beetham/Chiang/Splash News

Learn how to do that Robert Pattinson smolder that makes the girls faint! Hurry! Limited slots only!

Picture by: PPNY / GSNY / Splash News

Lorna Lopez aka ATwilightKiss Notes

The Robert Pattinson School The Robert Pattinson School does exist. However, it is a college that focuses on languages, science and mathematics, not heartthrob secrets.

Thanks to ATK reader end for the heads up and link to the Robert Pattinson school.

The Secret Male Society of Robsten Twilighters

Lorna Lopez — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 21:21:08 +0000

Courtesy of Summit Entertainment

SEQ 01. INT. Airplane Business Class section. Night. The camera pans the sea of seated men in business suits. The flight attendant makes an announcement and gestures to the personal monitors that accompany each seat. The lights dim.

The camera focuses on one man, who furtively looks at the other passengers seated on the same row, but, separated by the aisle from him. Satisfied that they could not see what he is doing, he presses the necessary buttons to make his movie of choice come out on the monitor.

The opening images of the Twilight film appear. The man checks again that nobody can see what he’s watching. Convinced with the success of hiding his secret, he settles down to watch the movie.

As the film’s end credits roll, he stands up to go to the comfort room at the back of the plane.

When he exits the door and starts to go back to his seat, he suddenly stops at the aisle. From his vantage point, he could see that all the monitors that were on were showing Twilight, albeit, with different sequences. One monitor showed the fight scene at the ballet studio, another displayed the baseball sequence, while another one had the prom scene, etc.

Lorna Lopez aka ATwilightKiss Notes

Based On A True Story This script is based on a true account from ATK reader Karen, who once narrated she was on a flight, and then, when she was coming from the back of the plane, she stopped in partial shock to see that majority of the monitors in the business class level, which had mostly male passengers, were watching Twilight.

Dedicated to ATK Reader Will and Other Male Twilighters This post is dedicated to Will and all the male Twilighters out there. I thought this Twilighter inspired script was timely with Will’s comment.

Cheers for all the nice comments and the link. Robyn, I think I must be suffering from a slight case of ORD after reading that. [I've] only seen the movie a couple of months ago, but, ever since then I’ve been hooked on everything Twilight and Robsten related because it seems so genuine. I’ve also started to dislike Jacob a wee bit, especially, since the trailers came out. So sorry to all the Team Jacob fans. P.S. Loving the site.

Baby Girl Crushes on Robert Pattinson in The Sexy Stars of Twilight (Part 2)

Lorna Lopez — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 11:51:19 +0000

After DD was given a copy of The Sexy Stars of Twilight Magazine by her grandma in Part 1, ATK reader Isabel continues to play the familiar game with her daughter wherein she asks for the magazine and DD says ‘No’ several times. Even her dad joins in by asking her where ‘Babu’ is and suggesting that she kisses him.

Can we give this man some clapping please for his patience with having two females in the household enamored with Robert Pattinson? Such love and generosity! *loud clapping*

And, find out which picture of Robert Pattinson made ATK reader Isabel abruptly end the video! LOL You have to go till the very end to see it!

Thanks Also, some clapping please for ATK reader Guinevere and her willing generosity to help out in editing these videos! *loud clapping*

To view more of Guinevere’s videos, please visit her YouTube channel by clicking here.

Baby Girl Crushes on Robert Pattinson in The Sexy Stars of Twilight (Part 1)

Lorna Lopez — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 09:08:55 +0000

The daughter of ATK reader Isabel receives a special gift from her grandma — a copy of the coveted The Sexy Stars of Twilight Magazine

Needless to say, she is ecstatic with so many pictures of her favorite Twilight star Robert Pattinson, otherwise known as Babu, her personal nickname for him. And she adamantly refuses to share the mag with her own mom. LOL

To be continued… Find out which picture her mom doesn’t want her to see…

Thanks Thanks again to ATK reader Guinevere and her generosity with her time in editing this video.

To view more of Guinevere’s videos, please visit her YouTube channel by clicking here.

Related Posts

Baby Girl Sleeps with Robert Pattinson Picture Video

Lorna Lopez — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 13:29:51 +0000

On 04 July 2009, ATwilightKiss reader Isabel related another endearing habit that her daughter has developed for her beloved Babu – a pet name she gave Twilight heartthrob Robert Pattinson

“Two weeks ago she ripped off a small pic of “Babu” from a magazine and this past week she’s been wanting that pic to be in her crib! I mean the picture has food and all kinds of crap now from her hanging onto it throughout the day!”

Isabel managed to catch her daughter at bedtime, and, teased her about taking ‘Babu’ away.

Please go till the very end of the video. That sweet smile after kissing Babu just kills me.

Thanks I am once again indebted to ATK reader Guinevere for her technical knowledge of video downloads, editing programs, rendering, etc. This video would not have been possible without her.

What Can Summit Entertainment Do With The Rachelle Lefevre Issue

Lorna Lopez — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 12:37:57 +0000

DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction of a possible Summit Entertainment meeting re the Rachelle Lefevre issue.

SEQ 01. INT. Conference room. Late evening.

SUMMIT EXECUTIVE #1
Everyone, please welcome Summit Entertainment’s President of Worldwide Marketing.

SUMMIT PRESIDENT OF MARKETING
Good evening everyone. Thank you for inviting me to this meeting. Let me be blunt and say this one is a really f—d up job.

Executives squirm uncomfortably.

SUMMIT PRESIDENT OF MARKETING
Well, let me see. With just two official statements from Summit Entertainment, we have managed to alienate and anger thousands, or, maybe, even millions of Twilight fans. Before we decide what to do, let’s clarify some things, shall we?

I approved the first official statement announcing Bryce Dallas Howard as the replacement of Rachelle Lefevre. However, the second official statement seemed to have been released without my knowledge and consent. And, it contained details that I wasn’t aware of.

This has degenerated into a he said she said situation. And, it’s time to stop the finger pointing and let’s try to salvage the situation. Let me pose these questions to all of you.

How can Rachelle Lefevre be recast as Victoria without making Summit look like they’re caving in to the demands of Twilight fans?

What can be done to soothe the ruffled feathers of Bryce Dallas Howard in case Rachelle Lefevre returns?

In short, I want a win-win situation for all parties involved.

Executives shift uncomfortably on their chairs.

SUMMIT PRESIDENT OF MARKETING
I’m waiting, people.

SUMMIT EXECUTIVE #1
What if we ask Rachelle Lefevre to give up Barney’s Version?

SUMMIT PRESIDENT OF MARKETING
Do you think she’s willing to do that? And then what? Remember, Summit shouldn’t look like they’re caving in to the demands of the Twilight fans.

SUMMIT EXECUTIVE #1
If she does come back, she has to say mea culpa and apologize to Summit, and, make it clear that she was the one who begged for her job back.

SUMMIT PRESIDENT OF MARKETING
I’m liking the sound of that. Who can set up a meeting with her talent agent and manager and find out? I need someone who knows how to talk around these things without making any commitments on our part, but, can get theirs. Totally.

SUMMIT EXECUTIVE #1
I know of just the person. Don’t worry.

SUMMIT PRESIDENT OF MARKETING
All right. Under the assumption that Rachelle will give up Barney’s Version for Twilight, how do we do damage control with Bryce? Please remember, she is the daughter of director Ron Howard.

Although Bryce is a sweetheart and will never dream of using her family connections, I don’t know of any protective father who will not feel slighted on behalf of his daughter.

Executives look at each other.

SUMMIT EXECUTIVE #2
We can offer Bryce another role in another Summit Entertainment film that will shoot roughly around the same period. I’ll speak with the director of Letters to Juliet, Gary Winick, and ask if there’s a role he can cast Bryce for.

SUMMIT PRESIDENT OF MARKETING
Just ask, but, don’t mention Bryce. Find out which roles are still up for casting, especially the characters that have scenes with Vanessa Redgrave. I’m sure that will be very enticing for any actor.

SUMMIT EXECUTIVE #2
Copy.

SUMMIT PRESIDENT OF MARKETING
Let’s get to work, people. And, I want an official statement to be ready by tomorrow.

SEQ 02. INT. Office. Early morning.

The Summit President of Marketing reads a piece of paper. She nods and gives it to Summit Executive #1, who immediately heads out the door.

SEQ 03. INT. Office. Early morning.

A close up of an email with the Summit Entertainment address and the news network recipients.

Summit Entertainment and Eclipse director David Slade are pleased to confirm that RACHELLE LEFEVRE will reprise her role as Victoria in the TWILIGHT franchise’s next film installment ECLIPSE.

Ms. Lefevre shares her excitement, “I’m so very happy that I will be joining the rest of the Eclipse cast during pre-production, rehearsals and shooting in Vancouver this coming August.

“I would like to thank Summit Entertainment for being so generous and supportive during this period. As I said before, I am fully committed to the ‘Twilight’ saga and to the portrayal of Victoria, and, my priority lies with Summit Entertainment and to the success of the Twilight franchise.

“I would also like to thank the fans again for their passion and enthusiasm, and, I hope you continue to support The Twilight Saga.”

Summit Entertainment would also like to confirm the casting of Bryce Dallas Howard in the Gary Winick film, Letters to Juliet, which stars multi-award winning actress Vanessa Redgrave with upcoming star Amanda Seyfried

The cursor goes to the send button, which is clicked.

Lorna Lopez aka ATwilightKiss Notes

Summit Entertainment President of Marketing The Summit Entertainment website lists Nancy Kirkpatrick as the President of Worldwide Marketing, a “veteran marketing and publicity executive.”

The summer publicity for New Moon was orchestrated brilliantly by Ms. Kirkpatrick, which ended on a high note with the Italian New Moon shoot and the 2009 MTV Movie Awards

Thus, I find it hard to believe that she would have approved the second official statement from Summit Entertainment, which was handled unprofessionally, in my opinion.

Summit Entertainment and Rachelle Lefevre Statements To read the Rachelle Lefevre and Summit Entertainment statements, please visit Examiner. I have used some of the actual phrases from the Rachelle Lefevre official statement in this fictitious script.

Letters to Juliet Letters to Juliet is a film listed on the Summit Entertainment website, which is scheduled for release on 14 May 2010.

Baby Girl Crushing on Robert Pattinson Babu Counter Video

Lorna Lopez — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 22:30:49 +0000

ATwilightKiss reader sabrina tt shared an amazing bit of information about the word ‘babu.’ What might seem like cute gibberish at first is actually a common word in her country of Bangladesh.

I’m from Bangladesh and in our Bengali language the word ‘Babu’ means ‘adorable and pretty baby.’ Mothers call their child ‘Babu’ similarly as people call their children sweetie, baby, dear, etc.

Isabel, your daughter is a Babu.

Cleverly, ATK reader Guinevere edited the two videos together and added a ‘Babu’ counter that counts how many times the word ‘Babu’ is mentioned.

And, what is even more astounding is that she did it BEFORE she learned the meaning of the word ‘Babu.’ Guinevere just loved the word and has taken to calling Robert Pattinson ‘Babu’ at times.

Thanks again to ATK reader Isabel, who took videos of her 21-month-old daughter at my request.

To view more of Guinevere’s videos, please visit her YouTube channel by clicking here.

Robert Pattinson and Zac Efron Fans Catfight in Vancouver

Lorna Lopez — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 23:21:36 +0000

Photo Courtesy of Just Jared
Credit: FPZ; Photo: Fame Pictures, Flynet

SEQ 01. INT. Coffee shop. Afternoon. A trio of giggly girls enter the coffee shop, catching the attention of another group of girls who are seated.

After buying their drinks and pastries, the new arrivals sit in another cluster near the other group.

ROBERT PATTINSON FAN #1
I swear, when Rob looked at me, my heart stopped!

ROBERT PATTINSON FAN #2
OMG, me too!

ROBERT PATTINSON FAN #3
I caught your faces on video!

ROBERT PATTINSON FAN #1
Oh, let me see!

The girls look at the shots on their camera screen.

ROBERT PATTINSON FAN #1
Rob is so hot!

ROBERT PATTINSON FAN #2
Super hot!

ROBERT PATTINSON FAN #3
Dazzlingly hot!

The Robert Pattinson fans collapse into giggles. The other group of girls look disdainfully at them and then whisper in a huddle. Then they begin to mimic the Robert Pattinson fans.

ZAC EFRON FAN #1
Rob is so hot!

ZAC EFRON FAN #2
Super hot!

ZAC EFRON FAN #3
Dazzlingly hot!

The girls collapse in raucous laughter. The Robert Pattinson fans fume.

ROBERT PATTINSON FAN #1
Do you have a problem?

ZAC EFRON FAN #1
Yeah. You.

ROBERT PATTINSON FAN #3
Look, we’re minding our own business here.

ZAC EFRON FAN #2
Everyone knows that Rob is a dork.

ZAC EFRON FAN #3
Zac is the hot one.

ROBERT PATTINSON FAN #2
That is so not true.

ZAC EFRON FAN #1
Even Rob describes himself as a dork.

ROBERT PATTINSON FAN #1
Zac can never be as hot as Rob!

ROBERT PATTINSON FAN #2
Yeah, all the polls say Rob is the hottest!

ZAC EFRON FAN #1
Is not!

ROBERT PATTINSON FAN #1
Is!

ZAC EFRON FAN #1
Not!

ROBERT PATTINSON FAN #1
Is!

The Robert Pattinson #1 fan throws her cold drink at the other girl’s face, who retaliates by doing the same thing. Soon, there’s a scuffle between the two groups of girls.

SEQ. 02. INT. News room. Night.

NEWS ANCHOR
Earlier this afternoon, six girls were arrested for disturbing the peace. Allegedly, a fight broke out when the parties disagreed over the attributes of two actors who are currently shooting films in Vancouver — Robert Pattinson and Zac Efron

Robert Pattinson and Zac Efron have released official statements through their publicists that they are disappointed and implore their fans to avoid such incidents in the future.

All the girls have been released with bail. The courts will decide their sentences next week, which will most probably be in the form of community service.

Lorna Lopez aka ATwilightKiss Notes

Thanks This script was inspired by a comment from Lainey Gossip

LipHards vs Twi-Hards street fight in Vancouver!

Lifelong Consequences I’m sure passionate fans are going to troop to Vancouver for Robert Pattinson and/or Zac Efron

Die hard fans may look at each other as separate camps that have to prove its heartthrob as the hottest guy on the planet.

Let me just point out that, if anyone gets into any heated discussion that may cause a disturbance, or, heaven forbid, something worse, and, the cops have to be called in, there will be consequences that you will probably regret for the rest of your life.

Imagine having to explain to every prospective employer for the next twenty years why you have an arrest record.

Plus, I can just imagine Rob being appalled by any report of such an incident. And, Zac, will most probably be too. They will probably both express their disappointment in statements that may stab such perpetrators with more guilt than the authorities can inflict.

So, keep an open mind and be respectful of each other’s opinion as you head out to Vancouver! Peace out!

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart with Sexy Bed and Farm Talk

Lorna Lopez — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 01:51:58 +0000

Manip Photo Courtesy of mayhemonte

SEQ 01. INT. Bedroom. Night.

ROBERT
(laughs) Oh my goodness! That looks interesting…

KRISTEN
Yeah. Interesting. And painful.

ROBERT
But interesting.

KRISTEN
(rolls eyes) Yeah. Interesting. And painful. It’s called the wheelbarrow. Isn’t the name by itself, like, painful?

ROBERT
But interesting. A wheelbarrow is used to cart small loads.

KRISTEN
(arches eyebrow) Are you trying to tell me something?

ROBERT
(clicks) How about this? Something related.

KRISTEN
The plough?

ROBERT
A plough is a “farm tool having one or more heavy blades to break the soil and cut a furrow prior to sowing.”

KRISTEN
Are you trying to be, like, a farmer? What’s with all the farm talk?

ROBERT
(wiggles thick eyebrows) Feel like playing farm girl to my farm boy and sowing some wild oats?

KRISTEN
(hits Robert with pillow) That is SO hokey!

ROBERT
Shucks , ma’am, I’m just askin’ for “a bushel and a peck, and a hug around the neck!”

KRISTEN
Come here, farm boy, and let’s hit the haystack!

ROBERT
Are you trying to light a fire in my barn?

KRISTEN
Oh man, let’s stop it with the bad puns, and come and get me!

ROBERT
I’m there before you can say…

Kristen grabs and pins Robert down on the bed.

KRISTEN
Shut up and kiss me.

ROBERT
Yes, ma’am.

Thanks I think ATwilightKiss reader mayhemonte meant the Twilight pair to be talking about positions in manip photos when she manipulated their images above.

Well, I also had the Twilight pair talking about positions in another context.

Robert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart at the Sam Bradley Concert — A Robsten & Hamlet Parody

Lorna Lopez — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 13:27:56 +0000

Photo courtesy of Entertainment Weekly
Photo: James White

To read Part 2 — Kristen Stewart and Michael Angarano Together Photos — A Robsten & Hamlet Parody

To read Part 1 — Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart Together Photos — A Robsten & Hamlet Parody

Alternative Title: Silencing the Company Minions — Part 3 Of A Robsten & Hamlet Parody with The Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart at the Sam Bradley Concert Photos Incident

SEQ 07-a. INT. Small private lounge area in a hotel. Company minions #12 and #13 are seated on the couch.

COMPANY MINION #13
Are we the angels or the devil? Good or evil? Black or white?

COMPANY MINION #12
What are you talking about?

COMPANY MINION #13
I’m just thinking about what we’re trying to accomplish here.

COMPANY MINION #12
There is no good or evil with Project Lollipop.

COMPANY MINION #13
But are we not interfering with fate?

COMPANY MINION #12
We are the masters of our own fate.

COMPANY MINION #13
But we’re making it difficult for them to choose.

COMPANY MINION #12
On the contrary, we are making it very clear for them what is the most logical course of action to take.

COMPANY MINION #13
If that’s the case, are we not taking the choice away from them?

COMPANY MINION #12
No. We make it clear what is expected of them by the company. However, they are still free to choose whatever they want to do, even if it’s illogical.

Project Lollipop seeks to convince them that it is wiser to avoid any emotional entanglements, since it is to the advantage of all parties concerned, including them.

COMPANY MINION #13
How can they be really free to choose?

COMPANY MINION #12
They are both expected to follow the law. Within the law, the company can only influence them, and make strong suggestions. There is no contractual obligation for them to follow the strictures and instructions of the company. Even Madame President cannot demand it of them. They are both of legal age and legal adults. They must decide on which path to take.

SFX of approaching footsteps. The company minions hide behind the curtain.

Trista enters the lounge with a book and sits on the couch. However, she is too distracted to read. She closes the book and sinks into melancholy.

SEQ 07-b. INT. Small private lounge area in a hotel. After a certain period, Hamburgerlet enters the lounge and notices Trista.

HAMBURGERLET
What’s the matter, Trista?

TRISTA
(testily) Do you need to ask?

HAMBURGERLET
I have no idea.

TRISTA
Really? You have no idea that you were very offensive?

HAMBURGERLET
You offended me.

TRISTA
I– It was not intentional.

HAMBURGERLET
(sarcastic) It wasn’t?

TRISTA
I’m leaving.

Trista attempts to exit the door leading back to the hotel rooms, but, Hamburgerlet blocks her way.

HAMBURGERLET
No! Stay!

Trista turns towards the other door that exits to the hotel lobby. Hamburgerlet moves swiftly to block her again.

TRISTA
Let me pass.

Hamburgerlet does not move.

TRISTA
Burger, get out of the way.

HAMBURGERLET
Not until you’ve listened to what I’ve had to say.

Trista hits her palms against the chest of Hamburgerlet.

TRISTA
Leave me alone!

Hamburgerlet grabs her hands in his, forcing her to stay.

HAMBURGERLET
Are you blind, Trista? Do you have eyes that see? Do you have ears that hear? Do you have a heart that beats? That can love?

TRISTA
How dare you!

Trista pulls her hand from his and moves to slap him. Hamburgerlet captures her hand again.

HAMBURGERLET
Oh yes, I dare. How dare you, Trista? How dare you do what you have done? You have forgotten yourself and chosen to be a company minion! You choose to do whatever they say even if your soul cries out ‘No!’

TRISTA
Stop it, Burger!

HAMBURGERLET
What do you want, Trista? Is it Jayden and the company? Or me? Will you be a slave to their will? Or be my queen? Will you lie in a filth of lies? Or soar with the truth?

TRISTA
Stop Burger! You wound me with your words! You stab at my very heart! Please, please stop…

Trista hides her tear stricken face against his chest. Hamburgerlet relents.

HAMBURGERLET
I’m sorry. I was only being cruel to be kind.

TRISTA
Burger, if your words were made of breath, and that very same breath were life itself, then I have no life to breathe after what you have just said to me…

HAMBURGERLET
Trista…

Trista puts her fingers against his lips.

TRISTA
No more…

Hamburgerlet releases Trista. She moves to a chair and collapses on it.

HAMBURGERLET
(quietly) I’m going to Nathan’s concert. If you’re not there, then I’ll know that you’ve made your choice…

TRISTA
Burger.

Hamburgerlet kneels in front of Trista.

HAMBURGERLET
Please, Trista, please be there, and give me back my own breath so that I may live…

Hamburgerlet kisses her hand passionately and then exits.

SEQ 08. INT. Backstage Area of a Club. Night. The band has obviously been playing for a while. Hamburgerlet continuously looks towards the backstage door, and catches the eye of the club bouncer, who shakes his head at him.

Nathan finishes a song with his band and looks towards Hamburgerlet, who shakes his head no. Nathan motions for him to turn around, where Trista was waiting uncertainly a few feet behind him.

Hamburgerlet approaches Trista. They look at each other intently, the atmosphere electric with tension and hope.

HAMBURGERLET
Trista.

TRISTA
Burger.

HAMBURGERLET
I need the words, Trista. Please.

TRISTA
I choose you. There can be no other choice. It was always you. How can you doubt it?

HAMBURGERLET
Oh there were reasons for doubts.

TRISTA
Well, there can be no room for doubts now. I’m here. With you.

HAMBURGERLET
Yes, with me.

Hamburgerlet grabs Trista into an embrace, which flusters her.

TRISTA
Burger, what are you doing? We’re out in public!

HAMBURGERLET
I don’t care. You are my breath. You are my life. I will die if I can’t kiss you now.

Trista cups his face.

TRISTA
Then I shall stay still until you have recovered your life.

Hamburgerlet and Trista kiss in full view of the crowd. Company minion #12 is seen hurrying towards the kissing couple, while #13 approaches a couple of paps who are taking pictures of Hamburgerlet and Trista discreetly.

Photo Courtesy of Just Jared
Credit: Ciao Pix; Photos: INFdaily

SEQ 09. Film Set. Night. Company minions #12 and 13 are on top of a set piece made to look like a forbidding cliff.

COMPANY MINION #13
Why have we been called?

COMPANY MINION #12
(sighs tiredly) I don’t know why we have been summoned.

COMPANY MINION #13
This is bad.

COMPANY MINION #12
What’s bad about it?

COMPANY MINION #13
Well, think about it. We’ve f—cked up. We’ve made major mistakes. And then we’re told to go in the middle of the night to a spooky place.

COMPANY MINION #12
A film set is not spooky.

COMPANY MINION #13
We’re on top of a set piece that’s supposed to mimic a 75 foot cliff, so this is approximately, what, 20 feet?

COMPANY MINION #12
30 feet.

COMPANY MINION #13
In any movie script, when there’s a cliff and it’s dark, somebody falls.

COMPANY MINION #12
No one is going to fall.

COMPANY MINION #13
I’m just saying that’s what happens in the movies.

COMPANY MINION #12
We are not in the movies.

COMPANY MINION #13
It sure feels like we’re in one.

COMPANY MINION #12
Besides, there’s an inflatable at the bottom.

COMPANY MINION #13
There is?

#13 goes to the edge and peers down.

COMPANY MINION #13
I can’t see anything.

#13 suddenly yelps when he feels a hand clamp on his shoulder.

COMPANY MINION #12
Trust me. There is one. They’re still supposed to be shooting tomorrow.

COMPANY MINION #13
What if they let the air out?

COMPANY MINION #12
Of course, there’s a 50% probability that they have.

COMPANY MINION #13
Or a 50% probability that it’s all soft and fluffy.

COMPANY MINION #12
There’s also a 50% probability that anyone who falls may survive the fall.

COMPANY MINION #13
With broken bones and paralysis maybe.

COMPANY MINION #12
There have been recorded instances when people who should have died survived with no injuries.

#13 reflects for a moment.

COMPANY MINION #13
That’s true.

COMPANY MINION #12
What is most probable is, if you keep on staying longer by the edge, there is a 50% probability you might just slip and fall.

COMPANY MINION #13
That’s not true.

#13 steps back hurriedly. #12 smiles at the movement.

COMPANY MINION #12
There’s a 50% probability that I am correct.

#13 looks over the shoulder of his colleague.

COMPANY MINION #13
Good evening, ma’am.

#12 turns and faces the dark corner of the cliff set piece that leads to the stairs.

COMPANY MINION #12
Good evening, ma’am.

OFFICE ASSISTANT
I do believe you know why I am here.

COMPANY MINION #12
I’m afraid not. We’re a bit confused. Would you like to enlighten us?

OFFICE ASSISTANT
I believe that I have come to witness you honor your word.

COMPANY MINION #12
Ah…

There is a long silence wherein #12 and the office assistant look at each other, while #13 stares at both of them in confusion.

COMPANY MINION #13
(whispers) I don’t understand. What is she talking about?

#12 continues looking at the office assistant even as she answers #13.

COMPANY MINION #12
I believe that the company has taken us up on our offer to lay down our lives.

COMPANY MINION #13
That’s ridiculous! It was just a well-known phrase to show our commitment!

COMPANY MINION #12
Haven’t you ever wondered what happened to #1-11?

COMPANY MINION #13
Aren’t our numbers just picked out randomly?

COMPANY MINION #12
I don’t think so. Project Lollipop has been an ongoing project that, I think, only required one in the beginning. When the project became too troublesome, the company started assigning two minions.

COMPANY MINION #13
Well, #1-11 minions must be assigned to other company projects now.

COMPANY MINION #12
Maybe, but, I think there’s a 90% probability that they have also been encouraged to take the honorable path.

COMPANY MINION #13
What’s honorable about dying?

#12 breaks her stare-down with the office assistant and looks at #13.

COMPANY MINION #12
You may look at it this way. We have just been given an opportunity to control how a 100% probability will occur.

COMPANY MINION #13
Death is not 100%

As she speaks, #12 takes steps backward towards the edge.

COMPANY MINION #12
There’s only two certain things in this world – taxes and death.

As #12 says death, she steps off the edge and disappears.

COMPANY MINION #13
#12!!!

#13 looks at the silent office assistant.

COMPANY MINION #13
I’m not going to do it! I’m not honorable! So what are you going to do? Will you do the dirty deed for me?

The office assistant silently stares at #13. #13 becomes horrified with a realization.

COMPANY MINION #13
(whispering) You will, won’t you? You will! You’ve done it 11 times before so you know that the probability of getting caught is down to almost 0%!

#13 laughs wildly and is on the verge of hysteria.

COMPANY MINION #13
Risk management! Numbers! Probabilities! It’s all about the numbers in the end! Numbers! Probabilities! (sobbing) It’s insane! Numbers! Probabilities! Numbers… Probabilities… 50 percent… 50 percent…

As he says 50%, #13 turns away from the office assistant and halts at the very edge.

COMPANY MINION #13
Number 13. 50 percent. Number 13. 50 percent. 50 percent! 50 percent! 50 percent!!!

As he chants the probability of survival, #13 takes out his small canister and throws salt over his shoulder repeatedly, trying to take courage in the face of the probabilities of survival. As he says the last word, #13 steps off the edge of the cliff set piece.

Fade out.

Lorna Lopez aka ATwilightKiss Notes

The Summit Conspiracy and Hamlet This script was born from the allegations of interference in the private lives of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart by Summit Entertainment

As the allegations increased in breadth, I realized that it started to somehow mimic the storyline of Shakespeare’s famous tragedy — Hamlet

I was also inspired by the utterly brilliant play of Tom Stoppard — Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, which takes the story of Hamlet from the point of view of two minor characters who become the leads in the spectacular version. But, let me immediately humbly declare that my efforts will be a pale almost transparent shade of an utterly brilliant luminous piece of work.

Famous Robsten Episode A monumental Robsten episode was when Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were caught in a club on 02 May 2009 being much more “friendly” than what has previously been recorded. Both were in attendance of a gig by Rob’s childhood friend, Sam Bradley, which led me to write of the event from the point of view of both Rob and Kristen

This event occurred a short period after Michael Angarano had visited Kristen Stewart in Vancouver, leading to wild speculation regarding the authenticity of his motives during his visit.

Basis of Sequences

In Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, who are the company minions in this parody, die through the indirect hand of Hamlet.

Hamlet is truly a tragedy with all the lead characters perishing by the end of the play.

A majority of the lines exchanged between Hamburgerlet and Trista are based on the closet scene — when Hamlet confronts his mother – Queen Gertrude

POLONIUS hides behind the arras

Enter HAMLET

HAMLET

Now, mother, what’s the matter?

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Hamlet, thou hast thy father much offended.

HAMLET

Mother, you have my father much offended.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Come, come, you answer with an idle tongue.

HAMLET

Go, go, you question with a wicked tongue.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Why, how now, Hamlet!

HAMLET

What’s the matter now?

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Have you forgot me?

HAMLET

No, by the rood, not so:
You are the queen, your husband’s brother’s wife;
And–would it were not so!–you are my mother.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Nay, then, I’ll set those to you that can speak.

HAMLET

Come, come, and sit you down; you shall not budge;
You go not till I set you up a glass
Where you may see the inmost part of you.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

What wilt thou do? thou wilt not murder me?
Help, help, ho!

LORD POLONIUS

[Behind] What, ho! help, help, help!

HAMLET

[Drawing] How now! a rat? Dead, for a ducat, dead!

Makes a pass through the arras

LORD POLONIUS

[Behind] O, I am slain!

Falls and dies

QUEEN GERTRUDE

O me, what hast thou done?

HAMLET

Nay, I know not:
Is it the king?

QUEEN GERTRUDE

O, what a rash and bloody deed is this!

HAMLET

A bloody deed! almost as bad, good mother,
As kill a king, and marry with his brother.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

As kill a king!

HAMLET

Ay, lady, ’twas my word.

Lifts up the array and discovers POLONIUS
Thou wretched, rash, intruding fool, farewell!
I took thee for thy better: take thy fortune;
Thou find’st to be too busy is some danger.
Leave wringing of your hands: peace! sit you down,
And let me wring your heart; for so I shall,
If it be made of penetrable stuff,
If damned custom have not brass’d it so
That it is proof and bulwark against sense.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

What have I done, that thou darest wag thy tongue
In noise so rude against me?

HAMLET

Such an act
That blurs the grace and blush of modesty,
Calls virtue hypocrite, takes off the rose
From the fair forehead of an innocent love
And sets a blister there, makes marriage-vows
As false as dicers’ oaths: O, such a deed
As from the body of contraction plucks
The very soul, and sweet religion makes
A rhapsody of words: heaven’s face doth glow:
Yea, this solidity and compound mass,
With tristful visage, as against the doom,
Is thought-sick at the act.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Ay me, what act,
That roars so loud, and thunders in the index?

HAMLET

Look here, upon this picture, and on this,
The counterfeit presentment of two brothers.
See, what a grace was seated on this brow;
Hyperion’s curls; the front of Jove himself;
An eye like Mars, to threaten and command;
A station like the herald Mercury
New-lighted on a heaven-kissing hill;
A combination and a form indeed,
Where every god did seem to set his seal,
To give the world assurance of a man:
This was your husband. Look you now, what follows:
Here is your husband; like a mildew’d ear,
Blasting his wholesome brother. Have you eyes?
Could you on this fair mountain leave to feed,
And batten on this moor? Ha! have you eyes?
You cannot call it love; for at your age
The hey-day in the blood is tame, it’s humble,
And waits upon the judgment: and what judgment
Would step from this to this? Sense, sure, you have,
Else could you not have motion; but sure, that sense
Is apoplex’d; for madness would not err,
Nor sense to ecstasy was ne’er so thrall’d
But it reserved some quantity of choice,
To serve in such a difference. What devil was’t
That thus hath cozen’d you at hoodman-blind?
Eyes without feeling, feeling without sight,
Ears without hands or eyes, smelling sans all,
Or but a sickly part of one true sense
Could not so mope.
O shame! where is thy blush? Rebellious hell,
If thou canst mutine in a matron’s bones,
To flaming youth let virtue be as wax,
And melt in her own fire: proclaim no shame
When the compulsive ardour gives the charge,
Since frost itself as actively doth burn
And reason panders will.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

O Hamlet, speak no more:
Thou turn’st mine eyes into my very soul;
And there I see such black and grained spots
As will not leave their tinct.

HAMLET

Nay, but to live
In the rank sweat of an enseamed bed,
Stew’d in corruption, honeying and making love
Over the nasty sty,–

QUEEN GERTRUDE

O, speak to me no more;
These words, like daggers, enter in mine ears;
No more, sweet Hamlet!

HAMLET

A murderer and a villain;
A slave that is not twentieth part the tithe
Of your precedent lord; a vice of kings;
A cutpurse of the empire and the rule,
That from a shelf the precious diadem stole,
And put it in his pocket!

QUEEN GERTRUDE

No more!

HAMLET

O, throw away the worser part of it,
And live the purer with the other half.
Good night: but go not to mine uncle’s bed;
Assume a virtue, if you have it not.
That monster, custom, who all sense doth eat,
Of habits devil, is angel yet in this,
That to the use of actions fair and good
He likewise gives a frock or livery,
That aptly is put on. Refrain to-night,
And that shall lend a kind of easiness
To the next abstinence: the next more easy;
For use almost can change the stamp of nature,
And either [ ] the devil, or throw him out
With wondrous potency. Once more, good night:
And when you are desirous to be bless’d,
I’ll blessing beg of you. For this same lord,

Pointing to POLONIUS
I do repent: but heaven hath pleased it so,
To punish me with this and this with me,
That I must be their scourge and minister.
I will bestow him, and will answer well
The death I gave him. So, again, good night.
I must be cruel, only to be kind:
Thus bad begins and worse remains behind.
One word more, good lady.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

What shall I do?

HAMLET

Not this, by no means, that I bid you do:
Let the bloat king tempt you again to bed;
Pinch wanton on your cheek; call you his mouse;
And let him, for a pair of reechy kisses,
Or paddling in your neck with his damn’d fingers,
Make you to ravel all this matter out,
That I essentially am not in madness,
But mad in craft. ‘Twere good you let him know;
For who, that’s but a queen, fair, sober, wise,
Would from a paddock, from a bat, a gib,
Such dear concernings hide? who would do so?
No, in despite of sense and secrecy,
Unpeg the basket on the house’s top.
Let the birds fly, and, like the famous ape,
To try conclusions, in the basket creep,
And break your own neck down.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Be thou assured, if words be made of breath,
And breath of life, I have no life to breathe
What thou hast said to me.

The Mug Face of Robert Pattinson

Lorna Lopez — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 22:01:43 +0000

SEQ 01. INT. Kitchen. Day. A close up of a photo of Robert Pattinson drinking coffee that’s stuck on the kitchen board. While facing the photo, a woman prepares her morning coffee, while a voice over can be heard.

FEMALE VOICE OVER
Will you tease me by withholding your lips?
Will you entice me by grazing your lips against me?
Will you let my excitement mount with your proximity?

After she pours the brewed coffee, mixes her preferred amounts of sugar and cream, the woman raises her mug of coffee in a mock toast to Robert Pattinson.

FEMALE VOICE OVER
Will you tempt me into scalding intimacy?

As she puts down the mug, the camera takes a close up of the image on the mug. It is Robert Pattinson in a sexy wet T-Shirt

Photo Courtesy of Rolling Stone Magazine
Photo: Theo Wenner
A Photo Exclusive from US Weekly
Photo Uploaded from ROBsessed

SEQ 02. INT. Kitchens and offices. Day. A montage of women toasting then drinking coffee from their Robert Pattinson mugs while in front of a Robert Pattinson photo.

FEMALE VOICE OVER
Will you torture me with possibilities?
Will you torment me with fantasies?
Before engulfing me in gulps
That empty yet fill me…

Lorna Lopez aka ATwilightKiss Notes

Thanks This script was inspired by a comment from ATwilightKiss reader Lisa.

You’re so sexy!

All my love,
Lisa

P.S. I’m making a mug with a picture of you on it. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Her comment made me imagine legions of women all over the world starting their day with a mug that has their favorite photo of the Twilight hunk.

Permission to Use the Script If you are interested to use this script for a short film or video, I’m very open to collaboration. Please contact me at llornalopez[at]gmail[dot]com

Baby Girl Crushes on Robert Pattinson Video #2

Lorna Lopez — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 00:58:05 +0000

ATwilightKiss reader Isabel plays a game with her 21-month old daughter wherein she tries to repeatedly take away from her a magazine with a picture of Twilight star Robert Pattinson

It’s fascinating how the word ‘No’ can be said in so many different ways and so many times. I lost count after the 20th ‘No.’

And, I’m also wondering how she’ll react when she perceives the threat to be real. Here, she’s very playful because she knows her mom is just teasing her. What if it’s somebody else whom she thinks will really try to take away the magazine? I think that person will suffer a toddler’s wrath! LOL

Oh, and she will refer to Robert Pattinson again with her personal nickname for him — ‘Babu.’ Cute!

Thanks I’ve been trying to control from being effusive because ATK reader Guinevere would prefer her participation to be downplayed. But, let me say quite strongly these videos would not have come to fruition if not for her.

To view more of Guinevere’s videos, please visit her YouTube channel by clicking here.

Kristen Stewart and Michael Angarano Together Photos — A Robsten & Hamlet Parody

Lorna Lopez — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 22:03:46 +0000

Photo Courtesy of Just Jared Jr.
Photo: Lisa Rose/Nickelodeon

To read Part 3 — Robert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart at the Sam Bradley Concert — A Robsten & Hamlet Parody

To read Part 1 — Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart Together Photos — A Robsten & Hamlet Parody

Alternative Title: Silencing the Company Minions — Part 2 Of A Robsten & Hamlet Parody with The Kristen Stewart and Michael Angarano Together Photos Incident

SEQ 06-a. INT. Small private lounge area in a hotel.

COMPANY MINION #13
What if I do what the Chinese do? I can change my number from #13 to #14! Then the bad luck will marginally decrease.

COMPANY MINION #12
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. It’s the law.

COMPANY MINION #13
What can possibly happen? It’s just a skipped number.

COMPANY MINION #12
After 12 is 13. If the system isn’t followed chaos will result.

COMPANY MINION #13
Will it? I just want to take control of my destiny. Or, at least, influence the factors that I can for more positive results.

COMPANY MINION #12
Proactive action is highly commendable, of course.

COMPANY MINION #13
Then can I change my number? I’m sure the company won’t mind.

COMPANY MINION #12
(trying to dissuade #13) There’s probably a #14 already, so, you can’t be #14.

COMPANY MINION #13
I could be 14-A and he could be 14-B!

COMPANY MINION #12
(changes the subject to distract #13) Are Trista and Jayden in place?

COMPANY MINION #13
Yes, the paps have been called. Their photos today will be online by this afternoon and on print by tomorrow.

COMPANY MINION #12
Good. Madame President was very pleased with the photos from yesterday.

Photo Courtesy of Just Jared Jr.
Photo: Lisa Rose/Nickelodeon

COMPANY MINION #13
Well, Jayden is an actor.

COMPANY MINION #12
And paid very well for his troubles.

COMPANY MINION #13
It can’t be that hard. Jayden and Trista were boyfriend and girlfriend.

COMPANY MINION #12
Nevertheless, we must be sensitive to the situation. I’m sure there are still emotions involved even if they’re supposed to have broken up.

COMPANY MINION #13
I think we should be worried more about Hamburgerlet.

COMPANY MINION #12
You’re correct #13. He’s a passionate young man, and this might be affecting him adversely.

SFX of swiftly moving footsteps.

COMPANY MINION #12
Silence! They’re here!

Company Minions #12 and #13 retreat into a small alcove and draw the curtains closed, plunging the room in semi-darkness.

SEQ 06-b. INT. Small private lounge area in a hotel.

An agitated Trista enters, followed by a furious Hamburgerlet.

HAMBURGERLET
Are you honest, Trista?

TRISTA
What?

HAMBURGERLET
Are you fair?

TRISTA
Burger, what do you mean?

HAMBURGERLET
Exactly what I said, Trista. Are you honest and fair?

TRISTA
I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Hamburgerlet grabs her by the arms and shakes her cruelly.

HAMBURGERLET
Yes, you do! You do! You do…

Trista’s tears run down her cheeks.

TRISTA
Burger, please…

Hamburgerlet releases her and walks towards the alcove where the hidden minions are.

HAMBURGERLET
(brokenly) There are times when I wish I hadn’t been born.

TRISTA
Burger!

HAMBURGERLET
Do you know what it did to me knowing you were here with him? That he was beside you? That he was holding your hand?

While saying the following lines, Hamburgerlet stalks Trista until she’s against the wall. He traps her in place by placing his palms on the wall beside her.

HAMBURGERLET
(bitterly) Were you enjoying yourself, Trista? Were you enjoying the thought that you had the attention of two men?

TRISTA
No!

HAMBURGERLET
Did you have to be so affectionate with him, Trista? Did you have to make it look so real? Why did you pull that stunt? You know it’s ours! Ours, Trista!

TRISTA
What stunt, Burger?

HAMBURGERLET
Jumping on his back like a spider monkey! That’s our special thing together, Trista!

Hamburgerlet kisses her harshly. Their tears mingle on their lips. He releases her and staggers away.

TRISTA
I’m sorry.

HAMBURGERLET
Being in Los Angeles while he was here in Vancouver didn’t work. I was tortured with the images of the two of you together.

TRISTA
I’m sorry.

Hamburgerlet hits the wall with his fist, making his knuckles bleed.

HAMBURGERLET
This is insane! This can’t continue. It’s tearing me apart!

TRISTA
There’s nothing we can do.

HAMBURGERLET
I know what I want. I want some control back over my life.

TRISTA
It’s too late. We’re in too deep. We can’t do that.

Hamburgerlet goes to Trista and takes her hands gently.

HAMBURGERLET
Yes, we can.

TRISTA
But we’re under contract with the company!

HAMBURGERLET
So what? Our lawyers can always find loopholes…

Trista breaks away.

TRISTA
I don’t know.

HAMBURGERLET
What are you afraid of? We are not company minions!

TRISTA
(pleading) Burger, I’m not sure.

HAMBURGERLET
If need be, I’m ready to walk. We can just leave it all behind.

TRISTA
I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do.

HAMBURGERLET
Go away.

TRISTA
Burger…

HAMBURGERLET
Leave me alone.

TRISTA
I just want to…

HAMBURGERLET
Please. Just leave.

Trista exits.

SEQ 06-c. INT. Small private lounge area in a hotel.

Hamburgerlet grabs the guitar that’s lying by the sofa and begins to strum the strings. Impulsively, he begins to sing softly but passionately.

HAMBURGERLET
The words have been rendered meaningless
Shallow empty words bandied about

Devoid of depth in its declaration
Strung together with flimsy wit and laughter

Regurgitated at the slightest request
Uttered to strangers with outstretched greedy hands

Demeaning the solemn promise of true love
Smearing multitude vows with covetousness

I’m longing for the return of my beloved
Or is she lost in the mists forevermore

Let the cleansing rains flow over the vows of love
Let the fires burn the words back to its purity

Will you, will you, will you
Marry me

SEQ 06-d. INT. Small private lounge area in a hotel.

Hamburgerlet stops singing when he hears clapping from the doorway.

NATHAN
I see you haven’t lost it.

HAMBURGERLET
How can I lose something that’s innate?

NATHAN
And still modest, I see. It might help that that’s my guitar you’re playing. My own innate musical talent covering the wide abyss between your talent and my genius.

HAMBURGERLET
(laughs) I haven’t seen your sorry arse in ages.

NATHAN
And it’s bloody marvelous to see you too.

Hamburgerlet and Nathan hug.

HAMBURGERLET
All set for tomorrow night?

NATHAN
Pretty much. Shall I see you? Bring Trista along.

HAMBURGERLET
Can you arrange for us to watch from backstage?

NATHAN
No prob.

HAMBURGERLET
We’ll see you then.

NATHAN
That would chuff me to bits, that would.

Hamburgerlet and Nathan exit the lounge, still chatting.

SEQ 06-e. INT. Small private lounge area in a hotel.

The company minions push back the curtain and step out. #12 calls a number on her mobile phone.

COMPANY MINION #12
Project Lollipop is a go for tomorrow night. (closes her phone) #13, you’d better arrange for a money transfer. There will be paps to pay.

#12 exits opposite from where Hamburgerlet and Nathan have departed from. #13 looks into the distance at Hamburgerlet and Nathan.

COMPANY MINION #13
To be or not to be
That is the question…

COMPANY MINION #12
#13!

COMPANY MINION #13
Coming!

#13 follows #12.

Lorna Lopez aka ATwilightKiss Notes

The Summit Conspiracy and Hamlet This script was born from the allegations of interference in the private lives of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart by Summit Entertainment

As the allegations increased in breadth, I realized that it started to somehow mimic the storyline of Shakespeare’s famous tragedy — Hamlet

Famous Robsten Episode The sequences above are based on – you guessed it – the Michael Angarano appearance in Vancouver when Rob went to LA on the last weekend of April 2009.

The incident wherein there were photos of Kristen Stewart and Michael Angarano together sent outraged cries throughout the Robsten kingdom.

Basis of Sequences

The company minions hiding in the alcove is supposed to mimic Polonius’ same action when Hamlet confronts his mother – Queen Gertrude.

The famous To be or not to be section has been replaced by a song that I’ve previously written:
Lyrics for Robert Pattinson — Will You Marry Me

The arrival of the tragedian and his company of players in Hamlet has been changed to Nathan and his band, in the same way that the friend of Robert Pattinson, Sam Bradley, performed several times in Vancouver.

The counterpart of the confrontation between Hamburgerlet and Trista in Hamlet would be the nunnery scene, where Hamlet accuses his lady love, Ophelia, of betrayal, and becomes alternately physically and verbally abusive with her.

The Nunnery Scene

HAMLET

Ha, ha! are you honest?

OPHELIA

My lord?

HAMLET

Are you fair?

OPHELIA

What means your lordship?

HAMLET

That if you be honest and fair, your honesty should
admit no discourse to your beauty.

OPHELIA

Could beauty, my lord, have better commerce than
with honesty?

HAMLET

Ay, truly; for the power of beauty will sooner
transform honesty from what it is to a bawd than the
force of honesty can translate beauty into his
likeness: this was sometime a paradox, but now the
time gives it proof. I did love you once.

OPHELIA

Indeed, my lord, you made me believe so.

HAMLET

You should not have believed me; for virtue cannot
so inoculate our old stock but we shall relish of
it: I loved you not.

OPHELIA

I was the more deceived.

HAMLET

Get thee to a nunnery: why wouldst thou be a
breeder of sinners? I am myself indifferent honest;
but yet I could accuse me of such things that it
were better my mother had not borne me: I am very
proud, revengeful, ambitious, with more offences at
my beck than I have thoughts to put them in,
imagination to give them shape, or time to act them
in. What should such fellows as I do crawling
between earth and heaven? We are arrant knaves,
all; believe none of us. Go thy ways to a nunnery.
Where’s your father?

OPHELIA

At home, my lord.

HAMLET

Let the doors be shut upon him, that he may play the
fool no where but in’s own house. Farewell.

OPHELIA

O, help him, you sweet heavens!

HAMLET

If thou dost marry, I’ll give thee this plague for
thy dowry: be thou as chaste as ice, as pure as
snow, thou shalt not escape calumny. Get thee to a
nunnery, go: farewell. Or, if thou wilt needs
marry, marry a fool; for wise men know well enough
what monsters you make of them. To a nunnery, go,
and quickly too. Farewell.

OPHELIA

O heavenly powers, restore him!

HAMLET

I have heard of your paintings too, well enough; God
has given you one face, and you make yourselves
another: you jig, you amble, and you lisp, and
nick-name God’s creatures, and make your wantonness
your ignorance. Go to, I’ll no more on’t; it hath
made me mad. I say, we will have no more marriages:
those that are married already, all but one, shall
live; the rest shall keep as they are. To a
nunnery, go.

Exit

Baby Girl Crushes on Robert Pattinson Video #1

Lorna Lopez — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 20:48:35 +0000

After reading Robert Pattinson Please Bite Me, ATK reader Isabel emailed anecdotes about her 21-month-old daughter.

“When she first started getting crazy over Robert, she would scream and call him ‘Papa!’

“So after that I started telling her that’s not her PAPA! I said his name is Robert…so yeah now she pretty much say Bobert or Babu. So silly.”

Her anecdotes birthed several Twilighter inspired scripts, the links to which are provided in the Related Posts below.

Lorna Lopez aka ATwilightKiss Notes

Thank you At my request, ATK reader Isabel took videos of her daughter.

A special thank you to ATK reader Guinevere, who took over the job of editor and who kindly gave advice whenever Isabel and I were at a loss regarding anything technical in nature.

To view more of Guinevere’s videos, please visit her YouTube channel by clicking here.

Robert Pattinson Saved by Mystery Woman from Rabid Fans Parody

Lorna Lopez — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 07:27:30 +0000

SEQ 01. EXT. Building. Day.

A woman in a suit rushes out of a building and walks towards the street where the cars are parked beside the curb.

The woman enters a silver Volvo and expertly maneuvers into traffic.

SFX of screeching car brakes, blared horns and cursing.

SEQ 02. EXT. New York Times Square. Day.

The silver Volvo passes the famous New York Times Square, weaving in and out of traffic.

SEQ 03. EXT. Manhattan city street. Day.

Robert Pattinson is being rushed through a throng of aggressive fans. To give him a chance to escape, the four bodyguards hold out their hands to form a makeshift human barricade.

Robert Pattinson runs and steps off the curb.

The silver Volvo screeches to a stop, with the side door swinging open beside Robert Pattinson

MYSTERY WOMAN
Get in the car now!

A relieved Robert Pattinson enters the car.

At that very moment, the horde of women break through the bodyguards’ human barricade and sprints towards the car.

The mystery woman vaults over the hood of the car and closes the car door of Robert Pattinson to seal him in the safety of the car.

The mystery woman swirls to face the women and goes into a crouching attack position. The mystery woman growls aggressively.

The frantic women stop abruptly, fearful of the fearless female who’s ready to take them all at once.

While glaring ferociously at the stunned fans, the mystery woman steps back into the silver Volvo and drives away with Robert Pattinson

SEQ 04. INT. Car. Day. The mystery woman grips the steering wheel until her knuckles are white. Robert Pattinson looks at her with concern.

MYSTERY WOMAN
I should go back there and rip those women’s heads off!

ROBERT PATTINSON
No, you shouldn’t!

MYSTERY WOMAN
Tell me something. Distract me so I won’t go back!

ROBERT PATTINSON
Just put your seatbelt on!

MYSTERY WOMAN
You put your seatbelt on!

Robert Pattinson slides the seatbelt across his body and snaps it in.

SEQ 04-a. INT. Italian Restaurant. Day. Robert Pattinson and the mystery woman are seated in a secluded corner of the restaurant. A handsome young waiter approaches their table, clearly flirting with the mystery woman.

WAITER
What can I get for you?

MYSTERY WOMAN
A Coke for me.

ROBERT PATTINSON
I’ll have two cheeseburgers with everything on it and a Coke.

MYSTERY WOMAN
Make that 3 Cokes.

WAITER
Ok, I’ll be right back.

The waiter gives a lingering look at the mystery woman. Robert Pattinson glares at him. As soon as he’s out of hearing, Rob turns back to the mystery woman.

ROBERT PATTINSON
You’re really not going to eat?

MYSTERY WOMAN
No… I’m on a special diet.

SEQ 04-b. INT. Italian Restaurant. Day. The waiter arrives and serves their order.

MYSTERY WOMAN
Thank you.

WAITER
Are you sure there’s nothing else I can get for you?

MYSTERY WOMAN
No thanks, I’m fine.

The waiter leaves. Rob hungrily devours the first burger and one Coke, and then slows down. The mystery woman pushes the second can of Coke towards him.

ROBERT PATTINSON
(pensively) How did you know where I was? Were you following me?

MYSTERY WOMAN
I… feel very protective of you.

ROBERT PATTINSON
So, how did you know where I was?

MYSTERY WOMAN
I was staying close unless you needed me but I heard what those… women were thinking…

ROBERT PATTINSON
Wait, you heard what they were thinking? You…read minds?

MYSTERY WOMAN
I can read every mind in this room, apart from yours.

The mystery woman gestures with her head towards several customers inside the restaurant.

MYSTERY WOMAN
There’s sex, money, sex, money……cat

ROBERT PATTINSON
Is there something wrong with me?

MYSTERY WOMAN
(laughs) I tell you I read minds and you ask me if there’s something wrong with you?

The mystery woman looks at Rob with an intense and burning gaze. He stops chewing abruptly and swallows.

ROBERT PATTINSON
What is it?

MYSTERY WOMAN
I don’t have the strength to stay away from you anymore.

Rob slides his hand across the table to cover hers.

ROBERT PATTINSON
Then don’t.

Lorna Lopez aka ATwilightKiss Notes

Concept by ATwilightKiss reader Isabel For anybody who has ever thought of swooping in and personally saving Robert Pattinson from overly eager fans, I think the concept for this parody by ATK reader Isabel will totally appeal to you. She sent me via email (see below) her version of the incident, which I have edited into a script form.

The spoken lines in the script are totally the creation of Twilight scriptwriter Melissa Rosenberg, with revisions to fit the circumstances of the cab incident

Email from ATwilightKiss reader Isabel Here’s her email in full:

Woman walking towards her car in a hurry. She gets in and drives to a busy section of Manhattan. She spots an area where there’s a large group of women screaming and following a guy in the street. The man looks scared out of his wits. He has 4 large men milling about him, pushing the women away from him as they walked.

She picked a spot ahead and stopped the car abruptly. She got out of the car and ran towards the large crowd thrashing around the man. She stopped in front of him. He looked at her and was relieved to see her there. She could see the anguish on his face.

Woman: Get in the car now!

Rpattz runs to get in the sleek silver Volvo. Woman growls at all the wild women. She then runs back to her car and drives off swerving from left to right.

Woman: I should go back there and rip those women’s heads off!

Rpattz: No you shouldn’t!

Woman: Tell me something, distract me so I won’t go back!

Rpattz: Just put your seatbelt on!

Woman: (snickers) You put your seatbelt on!

Next scene: A nice Italian restaurant. Woman and Rpattz are seated at a quiet area of the restaurant, away from prying eyes.

A handsome young waiter goes over the table, eyeing the woman. He checks her head to toe and smiles approvingly. Rpattz glares at the waiter.

Waiter: What can I get for you(looking at the woman)?

Woman: A Coke for me(she barely even notices him, her eyes fixated on Rpattz).

Rpattz: I’ll have a cheeseburger with everything on it and a Coke.

Woman: Make that 3 Cokes.

Waiter: Ok I’ll be right back (waiter winks at the woman and leaves).

Rpattz: (Looking over his shoulder and then to the woman). You’re really not going to eat?

Woman: No… I’m on a special diet (yeah gluten-free & dairy-free).

After 15 minutes, the waiter comes back with the drinks and Rpattz’s order. Woman gets 1 Coke while Rpattz gets 2 Cokes.

Woman: Thank you

Waiter: Are you sure there’s nothing else I can get for you? (makes goo-goo eyes at her).

Woman: No thanks, I’m fine.

Rpattz takes a bite out of his burger. He suddenly realized how hungry he was and he could probably eat 5 more cheeseburgers! Woman takes a sip out of her Coke. Rpattz notices that she is staring at him.

Rpattz: How did you know where I was? Were you following me?

Woman: I… feel very protective of you (with lots of emotion and brooding).

Rpattz: So how did you know where I was?

Woman: I was staying close unless you needed me but I heard what those lowlifes were thinking…

Rpattz: Wait, you heard what they were thinking? You…read minds?

Woman: I can read every mind in this room, apart from yours (they both look around the restaurant).

Woman: There’s sex, money, sex, money……cat

Rpattz: Is there something wrong with me(He says with a puzzled look)?

Woman: (laughs) I tell you I read minds and you ask me if there’s something wrong with you? (She shakes her pretty little head)

Rpattz blinks his eyes rapidly(Bella-style). Woman sighs deeply and looks frustrated.

Rpattz: What is it? (while chewing his burger)

Woman: I don’t have the strength to stay away from you anymore.

Rpattz: Then don’t (takes a sip out of his Coke).

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart Together Photos — A Robsten & Hamlet Parody

Lorna Lopez — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 21:39:43 +0000

To read Part 3 — Robert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart at the Sam Bradley Concert — A Robsten & Hamlet Parody

To read Part 2 — Kristen Stewart and Michael Angarano Together Photos — A Robsten & Hamlet Parody

Alternative Title: Silencing the Company Minions — A Robsten & Hamlet Parody with The Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart Together Photos Incident

SEQ 01. INT. Office Lobby. A man and a woman in black pantsuits are seated on a sofa.

COMPANY MINION #13
Why is my number 13? Everyone knows it’s an unlucky number.

COMPANY MINION #12
13 comes after 12.

COMPANY MINION #13
Not necessarily. I remember the Chinese skip the number because they believe it’s bad luck. I rode an elevator in Chinatown once and it didn’t have the number 13.

COMPANY MINION #12
What do you mean?

COMPANY MINION #13
Like I said. You press 14 because there’s no 13.

COMPANY MINION #12
You mean if you wanted to go to Floor 13, you press 14?

COMPANY MINION #13
No.

COMPANY MINION #12
What do you mean no?

COMPANY MINION #13
13 doesn’t exist. So there’s no 13th floor.

COMPANY MINION #12
That’s ridiculous. You can’t just make a number disappear. It would cause chaos.

COMPANY MINION #13
13 hasn’t actually really disappeared. They just skip it.

COMPANY MINION #12
You can’t skip numbers. It goes against the numbering system.

COMPANY MINION #13
But some Chinese do it.

COMPANY MINION #12
After 12 is 13.

COMPANY MINION #13
Yes, after 12 comes 13.

COMPANY MINION #12
Good.

COMPANY MINION #13
Or 14.

COMPANY MINION #12
This is—

An office assistant in an identical black pantsuit opens a side door.

ASSISTANT
The President and VP are ready for you now.

Company minions 12 and 13 stand up hurriedly and follow the assistant.

SEQ 02. INT. Company Head Office. Company minions 12 and 13 are standing in front of what seems like a throne where a man and woman in white pantsuits are seated.

PRESIDENT
Welcome, Company minions 12 and 13.

VICE-PRESIDENT
Thank you very much for coming at such short notice.

COMPANY MINIONS #12 and #13
Our pleasure, Madame President and Mister Vice-President.

PRESIDENT
I believe you will like it in Vancouver.

COMPANY MINION #12
I’m sure we will love Vancouver and our new assignment, Madame President.

VICE-PRESIDENT
Have you studied your cases?

COMPANY MINION #12
Every page, Mister Vice-President.

COMPANY MINION #13
Every word, Mister Vice-President.

PRESIDENT
Can you handle your new assignment — Project Lollipop?

COMPANY MINION #12
With ease, Madame President.

COMPANY MINION #13
You can count on us, Madame President.

PRESIDENT
Can we?

COMPANY MINION #12
Of course, Madame President.

COMPANY MINION #13
Completely, Madame President.

COMPANY MINION #12
Absolutely.

COMPANY MINION #13
We will lay our lives for the company to make sure the job gets done.

COMPANY MINION #12 gives #13 a startled and worried look. The President smiles widely.

PRESIDENT
I’m very pleased to hear that. We will expect your daily reports on Project Lollipop. You may go now.

SEQ 03. INT. Small private lounge area in a hotel. Minions #12 and #13 are seated on a couple of chairs.

COMPANY MINION #12
Why did you say that?

COMPANY MINION #13
Say what?

COMPANY MINION #12
That ‘We will lay our lives for the company to make sure the job gets done!’

COMPANY MINION #13
I was just backing you up.

COMPANY MINION #12
I was just reassuring Madame President that we can handle Project Lollipop!

COMPANY MINION #13
Yeah, that’s what I did too.

#13 gives a huge happy smile to #12, obviously very pleased with himself.

COMPANY MINION #12
13!

COMPANY MINION #13
Don’t say my name like that! It’s scary.

#13 gets a container from an inner pocket, takes a pinch and throws it over his shoulder. #12 stares with incomprehension.

COMPANY MINION #12
What are you doing?

COMPANY MINION #13
I’ve decided to fight the bad luck. Every time I feel threatened, I’ll throw salt over my shoulder.

COMPANY MINION #12
13!

(#13 throws salt over his shoulder, which makes #12 choke. Hamburgerlet enters reading a book.)

COMPANY MINION #12
Good evening, Hamburgerlet.

Hamburgerlet does not look up from reading his book.

HAMBURGERLET
Hello, Minion #8.

COMPANY MINION #12
Oh no. I’m sorry. May I correct you? I’m Company Minion #12 and this is Company Minion #13.

HAMBURGERLET
Is that so? I must apologize then. I’m getting a bit confused because you all seem alike.

Company Minion #13 gestures to his book.

COMPANY MINION #13
So, what are you reading?

HAMBURGERLET
Words, words, words.

COMPANY MINION #13
Ah… That’s interesting.

Hamburgerlet suddenly looks up and goes very near the company minions.

HAMBURGERLET
Tell me, are you honest?

Company Minion #12 and #13 exchange looks.

COMPANY MINION #12
What do you mean, Hamburgerlet?

HAMBURGERLET
Are you fair?

COMPANY MINION #13
I’m afraid we don’t understand.

Hamburgerlet impatiently moves away from the company minions.

HAMBURGERLET
Come, come. We both know why you’re here. Were you not sent for?

COMPANY MINION #12
Who do you think sent for us, Hamburgerlet?

HAMBURGERLET
Let me guess. Madame President and Mister Vice-President? Haha! Let me make another guess. Are you our new jailers?

COMPANY MINION #12
Jailers?

HAMBURGERLET
No, not out jailers! You are our new babysitters. You will confine us in a crib that’s lined with soft mattresses and pillows. Very pretty, but a prison nevertheless.

COMPANY MINION #12
To whom do you refer to?

HAMBURGERLET
To the two of you becoming babysitters to Trista and I, of course. But, you forget, we have grown too big for the crib. We’ll tear it apart.

COMPANY MINION #12
Will you?

HAMBURGERLET
Let me be direct as you have not. Oh yes.

COMPANY MINION #12
We shall see.

HAMBURGERLET
Yes, we shall see. Trista?

Trista fully enters the lounge area.

TRISTA
I’m here.

HAMBURGERLET
(courteously) Trista, these are Company Minions #12 and #13, our new babysitters.

TRISTA
Company Minion #12. Company Minion #13.

HAMBURGERLET
Well, we’re off for dinner.

COMPANY MINION #12
Of course. Your separate cabs are waiting for you.

TRISTA
Thank you.

COMPANY MINION #12
Please follow protocol. Remember, you must remain separate at all times. There must be no photographs of the two of you together.

HAMBURGERLET
Yeah, yeah.

SEQ 04. INT. Car. Company minions #12 and #13 are staking out a restaurant.

COMPANY MINION #13
Why do we have to be named after numbers? It makes me feel like a nonentity, as if I can disappear without anyone noticing. Hamburgerlet didn’t even notice that the others have been reassigned. He lost count, #12! He called you #8!

What if he believes as some Chinese do? That #13 doesn’t really exist? What will he call me then? #14? Or will he ignore me altogether as if I didn’t exist? Was he just being polite a while ago?

Hamburgerlet and Trista exit the restaurant.

COMPANY MINION #12
Enough! Here they come!

Hamburgerlet and Trista hurriedly ride a cab.

COMPANY MINION #12
Damn them! They’ve taken the same cab together!

The minions follow the cab back to the hotel.

SEQ 04. INT. Car. Company minions #12 and #13 stay in the car and observes Hamburgerlet and Trista as they exit the cab.

COMPANY MINION #12
Damn! The paps are waiting! You know what to do! Make sure to buy all the pics! And stay within the budget!

COMPANY MINION #13
Understood!

#13 goes to the huddled paps and begins to negotiate. #12 goes after Hamburgerlet and Trista inside the hotel.

SEQ 05. INT. Hotel room. Minion #12 is on the phone. #13 hovers anxiously.

COMPANY MINION #12
Yes, we understand, Mister Vice-President. We apologize for making the mistake of missing those couple of photos. Thank you for giving us another chance with Project Lollipop.

Yes, please rest assured that the subjects shall be reminded of the protocol. Thank you again, Mister Vice-President

Lorna Lopez aka ATwilightKiss Notes

The Summit Conspiracy and Hamlet This script was born from the allegations of interference in the private lives of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart by Summit Entertainment

As the allegations increased in breadth, I realized that it started to somehow mimic the storyline of Shakespeare’s famous tragedy — Hamlet

Famous Robsten Episode This incident wherein there was a couple of photos of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart together raised the hopes of the Robsten kingdom.

At the onset of the New Moon pre-production, the famous Twilight pair have not been reported being seen together. There were even fears that the formerly close duo made certain to keep apart privately. I believe I called it the Dark Age.

Basis of Sequences

The Non-Existence of #13 The conversation about the #13 is based on a real one that took place when I rode in an elevator for the first time that didn’t have the number 13, and, I was aghast at the gall to remove a number to circumvent a superstition!

Meeting the King and Queen of Denmark & Others The roles of the King and Queen of Denmark in Shakespeare’s Hamlet are now the President and Vice-President of the Company in the script, while Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are now Company Minions #12 and #13.

The following are the scenes from Hamlet that were used as the basis for some of the lines in the parody.

SCENE II. A room in the castle.

Enter KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN, and Attendants

KING CLAUDIUS

Welcome, dear Rosencrantz and Guildenstern!
Moreover that we much did long to see you,
The need we have to use you did provoke
Our hasty sending. Something have you heard
Of Hamlet’s transformation; so call it,
Sith nor the exterior nor the inward man
Resembles that it was. What it should be,
More than his father’s death, that thus hath put him
So much from the understanding of himself,
I cannot dream of: I entreat you both,
That, being of so young days brought up with him,
And sith so neighbour’d to his youth and havior,
That you vouchsafe your rest here in our court
Some little time: so by your companies
To draw him on to pleasures, and to gather,
So much as from occasion you may glean,
Whether aught, to us unknown, afflicts him thus,
That, open’d, lies within our remedy.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Good gentlemen, he hath much talk’d of you;
And sure I am two men there are not living
To whom he more adheres. If it will please you
To show us so much gentry and good will
As to expend your time with us awhile,
For the supply and profit of our hope,
Your visitation shall receive such thanks
As fits a king’s remembrance.

ROSENCRANTZ

Both your majesties
Might, by the sovereign power you have of us,
Put your dread pleasures more into command
Than to entreaty.

GUILDENSTERN

But we both obey,
And here give up ourselves, in the full bent
To lay our service freely at your feet,
To be commanded.

KING CLAUDIUS

Thanks, Rosencrantz and gentle Guildenstern.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Thanks, Guildenstern and gentle Rosencrantz:
And I beseech you instantly to visit
My too much changed son. Go, some of you,

And bring these gentlemen where Hamlet is.

GUILDENSTERN

Heavens make our presence and our practises
Pleasant and helpful to him!

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Ay, amen!

The Words W

LORD POLONIUS

Away, I do beseech you, both away:
I’ll board him presently.

Exeunt KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, and Attendants

Enter HAMLET, reading
O, give me leave:
How does my good Lord Hamlet?

HAMLET

Well, God-a-mercy.

LORD POLONIUS

Do you know me, my lord?

HAMLET

Excellent well; you are a fishmonger.

LORD POLONIUS

Not I, my lord.

HAMLET

Then I would you were so honest a man.

LORD POLONIUS

Honest, my lord!

HAMLET

Ay, sir; to be honest, as this world goes, is to be
one man picked out of ten thousand.

LORD POLONIUS

That’s very true, my lord.

HAMLET

For if the sun breed maggots in a dead dog, being a
god kissing carrion,–Have you a daughter?

LORD POLONIUS

I have, my lord.

HAMLET

Let her not walk i’ the sun: conception is a
blessing: but not as your daughter may conceive.
Friend, look to ‘t.

LORD POLONIUS

[Aside] How say you by that? Still harping on my
daughter: yet he knew me not at first; he said I
was a fishmonger: he is far gone, far gone: and
truly in my youth I suffered much extremity for
love; very near this. I’ll speak to him again.
What do you read, my lord?

HAMLET

Words, words, words.

LORD POLONIUS

What is the matter, my lord?

HAMLET

Between who?

LORD POLONIUS

I mean, the matter that you read, my lord.

HAMLET

Slanders, sir: for the satirical rogue says here
that old men have grey beards, that their faces are
wrinkled, their eyes purging thick amber and
plum-tree gum and that they have a plentiful lack of
wit, together with most weak hams: all which, sir,
though I most powerfully and potently believe, yet
I hold it not honesty to have it thus set down, for
yourself, sir, should be old as I am, if like a crab
you could go backward.

LORD POLONIUS

[Aside] Though this be madness, yet there is method
in ‘t. Will you walk out of the air, my lord?

HAMLET

Into my grave.

LORD POLONIUS

Indeed, that is out o’ the air.

Aside
How pregnant sometimes his replies are! a happiness
that often madness hits on, which reason and sanity
could not so prosperously be delivered of. I will
leave him, and suddenly contrive the means of
meeting between him and my daughter.–My honourable
lord, I will most humbly take my leave of you.

HAMLET

You cannot, sir, take from me any thing that I will
more willingly part withal: except my life, except
my life, except my life.

LORD POLONIUS

Fare you well, my lord.

HAMLET

These tedious old fools!

Enter ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN

LORD POLONIUS

You go to seek the Lord Hamlet; there he is.

ROSENCRANTZ

[To POLONIUS] God save you, sir!

Exit POLONIUS

GUILDENSTERN

My honoured lord!

ROSENCRANTZ

My most dear lord!

HAMLET

My excellent good friends! How dost thou,
Guildenstern? Ah, Rosencrantz! Good lads, how do ye both?

ROSENCRANTZ

As the indifferent children of the earth.

GUILDENSTERN

Happy, in that we are not over-happy;
On fortune’s cap we are not the very button.

HAMLET

Nor the soles of her shoe?

ROSENCRANTZ

Neither, my lord.

HAMLET

Then you live about her waist, or in the middle of
her favours?

GUILDENSTERN

‘Faith, her privates we.

HAMLET

In the secret parts of fortune? O, most true; she
is a strumpet. What’s the news?

ROSENCRANTZ

None, my lord, but that the world’s grown honest.

HAMLET

Then is doomsday near: but your news is not true.
Let me question more in particular: what have you,
my good friends, deserved at the hands of fortune,
that she sends you to prison hither?

GUILDENSTERN

Prison, my lord!

HAMLET

Denmark’s a prison.

ROSENCRANTZ

Then is the world one.

HAMLET

A goodly one; in which there are many confines,
wards and dungeons, Denmark being one o’ the worst.

ROSENCRANTZ

We think not so, my lord.

HAMLET

Why, then, ’tis none to you; for there is nothing
either good or bad, but thinking makes it so: to me
it is a prison.

Baby Girl Goes Gaga Over Robert Pattinson #4

Lorna Lopez — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 03:41:27 +0000

SEQ 01. INT. Baby’s Bedroom.

Camera pans the early morning sunlight streaming through the window and then focuses on the baby sleeping inside the crib.

SEQ 02. INT. Master Bedroom.

Camera focuses on the baby monitor. The toddler’s voice can be heard.

TODDLER
Babu. Babu.

The mother’s eyes suddenly open with surprise and a hint of distress.

She hurriedly gets out of bed and rushes out the door.

SEQ 03. INT. Baby’s Bedroom.

The mother runs through the baby’s bedroom door and goes to the crib. She looks down.

The toddler is hugging a Twilight pillow with Edward Cullen’s face on it.

TODDLER
Babu. Bobert. Babu.

Lorna Lopez ATwilightKiss Notes

Thanks This script is based on a comment by ATwilightKiss reader Isabel narrating another anecdote about her young daughter.

You know she woke up this morning saying Babu? Great, instead of Mama now she’s saying Babu when she wakes up! I heard her in the baby monitor.

Earlier, Isabel shared how her daughter would alternately call Robert Pattinson, “I said his name is Robert…so yeah now she pretty much say Bobert or Babu. So silly.”"

Possible Scientific Reason for Toddler’s Fascination To read how babies may discern beauty, please peruse Why A Baby May Find Robert Pattinson Attractive